Blood and Snow, a Pokemon Zombie Apocalypse Story
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February 8th, 2012, 03:24 AM
Do the Wess dance!
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Firstly, I like the banner. =)
Secondly; I've liked it so far, and the combination between Pokemon and the zombie genre is pretty well done thus far. Certainly interested to see what happens in the next chapter.
I agree with the points Cutlerine raised thus far; watch out for some of the choices of wording there. I also felt that the 'we want to get out despite the dangers' point was mentioned a bit too often in the first chapter; it was over-established and so felt a bit repetitive after a while.
But that is precisely why we must leave. Leo and I have spent countless nights discussing our motives for leaving behind the only home we've known for the past four years, and have come to the conclusion that we can't spend our entire lives in the lab, living off experimental plants and reading books about the pre-zombie days for fun. Even if we wander off to certain death, we have to know what lies out there.
Dawn clears her throat, trying to come up with one final argument to make us stay. We stand before her, hearts and eyes filled with irrational determination, wearing our thick winter jackets, four-year-old backpacks, and whatever else we could find that came close to fitting us in any way. We know she's scared, that she thinks we'll die out there, but if we do at least we'll know that's all we were missing.
For instance here was when I thought it was getting a bit too much limelight, especially with the last sentence there.
I stare at her blankly before I smile a bit and nod.
"Of course, Dawn," I pull my hand out of hers and make my way for the door.
Need another line of spacing there. I'll also note that I think it's better to put a full stop after 'Dawn' rather than a comma as the part following the dialogue works as its own sentence. There's a few other instances of this as well.
Also; what happened to saying goodbye to the professor before leaving? It seems they left without saying anything to him, or did he hide elsewhere?
Nice start, certainly; keep it up!
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