Thread: [Pokémon] Pokemon; A Johto Dream
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Old February 10th, 2012 (08:21 PM).
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psyanic psyanic is offline
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Posts: 1,283
I need to start reviewing again... Okay I won't say anymore, time to get this review started.

One thing in your story that kind of bugged me was that a few things didn't make sense, at least in terms of the Pokemon world. For example:

Quote originally posted by ROBO-BOY:
Taylor Manton was just like every other 13 year old boy in Ecruteak City. He attended the Trainer's school, and regularly camped near the two Towers or Mount Mortar, hoping to glimpse some wild Pokemon.
Pokemon are like animals, and like animals we see animals almost every second of your lives. Okay, that was a total exaggeration but still, Pokemon aren't a rare thing. Pidgey are as common as pigeons. I think it would have been better to say hoping to look at rare Pokemon.

Quote originally posted by ROBO-BOY:
But today was different. Taylor, and his twin sister Abagail, were going to recieve their first Pokemon today. Their father, the leader of Ecruteak city's Gym, Michael, was taking them out to the route just below the city.
The first clause, which I bolded, does not need commas around it. When you use and in this case, it conjoins subjects. When you have two subjects, do not put commas around one of them. As for the second time I bolded, I thought it was kind of too wordy. Well, not really too wordy. I think it sounds kind of awkward. "Their father Michael was the Ecruteak City Gym Leader" helps it flow.

Quote originally posted by ROBO-BOY:
Taylor and Abagail were so excited that they couldn't eat their mother's gourmet cooking.
I thought that this description was weak. Remember, going on a journey for who knows how long is a big deal. Putting in a sentence really dampens the emotions and the feeling. Try elaborating a bit more. Saying how this morning routine for the twins was different from any other morning would be a good start, rather than just them not eating.

This also happens when the twins actually do leave. Michael just says, "Okay, say bye!" And then they all just leave. Try conveying something. I mean if they just do things, it's boring. If they do things with some kind of depth, that's when it gets interesting.

Quote originally posted by ROBO-BOY:
"Don't be nervouse dears," said their mother, Krystal, trying to calm them down, "You've been waiting for this moment your entire life!"
The correct spelling is "nervous".

Quote originally posted by ROBO-BOY:
"We know mum," replied Taylor, "but we just can't help it! I'm so nervous. How where you when you recieved your first Pokemon?"
First, the correct usage would be "were". Where would identify was a location, whereas "were" would be the verb usage. Also, the spelling is "received" for the second bolded word.

Quote originally posted by ROBO-BOY:
"Well, my experience was a little different." she said, wiping the wasted food off the children's plates and into the family Growlithe's bowl.
I bolded "she" here because it should be either capitalized or the period in the dialogue should be changed to a comma. Either way, you'll have to change something. And I thought it was weird you put in the Growlithe's bowl (another contradiction about catching glimpses of Pokemon...) and the Growlithe doesn't actually show up.

Quote originally posted by ROBO-BOY:
Abagail, knowing better, left with a mere "Bye".
You need a comma before the quotation marks and the period should be within the quotation mark.

Quote originally posted by ROBO-BOY:
It took them around an hour of trudging through the forest floor, squeezing through tree trunks, and climbing up trees, until they saw their first wild Pokemon. It was a small green caterpillar-like monster.
Again, that's a long time just looking for bugs or something. And the comparison for a Caterpie to a monster... well I'm not sure if you were trying to be funny or not. I'll leave that to you. I guess what's stranger are the twins' reactions. They are enamored by a worm. They must have been holed up in a cell for thirteen years, eating goop and rats.

Quote originally posted by ROBO-BOY:
Suddenly, a huge bird with a huge wingspan and a long beak, with an even longer neck, swooped down and started pecking at the Caterpie.
What? Just pecking? It looks like the Fearow wants to eat the Caterpie, so why doesn't it just do that? It's got the size and the strength to beat a wormy worm. Just swoop down and gulp. Easy as that.

Quote originally posted by ROBO-BOY:
"Of course!" shouted Michael, suddenly understanding. "Fearow -the bird- is a Flying and NORMAL Type. Ghost Type moves like Shadow Claw of Shadow Ball won't have any effect!"
We know Fearow is the bird. At least I did anyway. And Michael should have understood that a long time ago. He's a Gym Leader. What, you think he's a doofus or something? No, he's got brains. Or something. This is a personal preference, but I hate it when writers take the game canon and take it too seriously. You didn't go as far to say something like HP or another, but the typing and all doesn't mean squat in the actual world. I mean look at the anime. They use attacks that shouldn't work all the time (biggest example being Pikachu zapping Rhydon/Golem/Steelix/etc.), and they do damage anyway. Finally, Gengar should know more attacks than just Ghost-type moves, otherwise that's pitiful for a Gengar. Think logically when you write.

Quote originally posted by ROBO-BOY:
"I know" he replied. "Ithink that Caterpie is done for..."
You're missing a space between I and think in "Ithink". And I feel like these people are taking a Caterpie way too far. It's a worm. They battle Pokemon and battle til one of them faints or bleeds to death (most cases, they faint). Caring for a single Pokemon is like trying to save worms on the road every time it rains.

Quote originally posted by ROBO-BOY:
Suddenly, unamaginably, stars started coming down from the trees. They hit the Fearow straight in the head. The Fearow searched for it's attacker, but just like the stars, sand came down from the trees, forcing itself into the Pokemon's eyes, blurring it's vision.
The word's spelling is actually "unimaginably". As for the next two, they should both be changed to "its" because that form exhibits possession, which you are trying to convey in this case.

Quote originally posted by ROBO-BOY:
The trees started to ruffle and a bigger-than-human hand with three fingers snatched up the Caterpie and then disappeared as fast as it had come.
They freak out when nature takes its course, but they're okay with a random hand grabbing the Caterpie they adore? Huh.

And that's about all I have the patience for. Also I'm getting very tired and I need to travel for a few hours to take some entrance exams... Your story is... just a story I guess. The problem is there's nothing that makes it stand out. Sure, some stories don't really need to be different to be good. In fact, that's the case with all stories. But you're lacking a few things.

I'd advise you to proofread your story before posting to check for all kinds of mechanical/grammatical errors. You can use some kind of spell-checker to help your spelling. That way, readers will have an easier time actually reading your story rather than trying to decipher what you meant in some sentences.

Next, you need some kind of depth and motivation and description. There's almost no description in your story, and describing a Pokemon does not count, especially when the Pokemon is just a typical Pokemon. I wouldn't bug you about this if you described how each Pokemon is different from the standard or something. But that didn't happen so I'm saying this right now: describe other things. Describe how the summer breeze blew in the calm forest, the leaves rustling together as the family ventured deeper into the foliage. Keep it interesting with imagery as well as characters and their interactions (which you had very little, other than talking).

I also thought that the story was very cookie-cutter, and that's not really a good thing. In fact that's a bad thing. That would imply that their world is perfect and almost nothing goes their way and the characters happen to possess insane amounts of sheer luck. They all happen to get a starter Pokemon, odd ones to be found near Ecruteak anyway. At other times, things didn't make sense. Think logically; I mean the Pokemon world is like ours except they have Pokemon and we don't. That means not much would change, sure maybe a few ideologies and beliefs, but the majority would be pretty darn consistent.

If I sounded harsh... actually I'm not saying anymore of that. Just keep writing and work on improving, especially the basics. The basics being able to form a character, add emotions to those characters, describe events in your own way, but remember to keep a lick of imagery in there or two, and you'll be set.
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