Dragon Age: Champions [One-Shot, very short]
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February 10th, 2012 (09:18 PM).
I'M AN ANGRY SCIENTIST!!
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
I suppose it's to be expected that I was a bit confused as I have not played that game whatsoever, although I do feel that a touch more explanation on what they had done (or alternatively leaving out some info? As in stuff that would be assumed info for people who have played the game that wouldn't confuse those that haven't, although that might remove some parts that were quite nice to read and so I don't feel it's quite the right option). For instance a bit more on why this Cullen was about to kill the Champion would have been nice to known, mostly; in other words a mention of why the situation was in that state.
It seemed decently done though, and in such a short space you did well to still include pieces of the character's personality in it (such as one sneering, another trembling while being protected by another, and so forth). Those pieces I felt were quite nicely done.
The nine – two from a home long gone, a...(etc)...and an ex slave – they all stood huddled together,
It seems a bit off to start with 'The nine' and after the summary of characters continue with 'they all stood...' - 'they' seems like it could be removed. (Otherwise it reads 'The nine () they all stood', and we already can tell who you are referring to).
as the Templars closed in on them. Both sides were waiting their opponents to make the first move.
I did slightly question the latter part, for if they closed in it sounds like they were already making their move. Nitpicky but maybe a slight rewording could be considered.
They came to the city as refugees and exiles, as they disappeared into the burning streets of Kirkwall, they left as legends.
I'd suggest adding in something like 'but' or 'and' after 'exiles', or alternatively splitting this into two sentences at that point. Nice ending though imo.
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