Pokemon VDD - Destiny Discovery
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February 11th, 2012 (6:28 PM).
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Hello there! Been a while since I've seen someone post a preview here, heh.
Anyways, it's certainly not a bad start; not bad description with the dialogue and you have a decent basis for the characters as well. Worth finishing off, I'd say! As it's a preview I'll just make a few general comments.
Firstly; you'd want to use line spacing between new paragraphs (like how I've done so for this post), as it's easier for the reader to, well, read your work, as if it's together it's hard to read on forums, particular in the case of computer screens which aren't good for the eyes in the first place. I also felt that there was a sort of jump between the conversation of Ronin and Hideki and the following part with the kidnapping, and be careful to not be too listy with your description too but rather to spread it out (in this regard I'm mainly referring to the mention of Hideki's clothing - try to integrate it with actions/the story rather than having it all in one go). Focus more on how people act, their personalities, etc rather than their clothing as well.
Also - level up his sword? If you have an explanation for a trainer to be wielding a sword out then all good, but if not it's something to consider when you post the actual thing.
Watch for small mistakes as well:
“Buizel, fight back with Aqua Jet” commanded the gym leader calmly
You'd want a comma after 'Jet' (ie before the closing quotation mark).
“Hey! Ronin!” shouted a voice in the distance
And here there was a missing full stop at the end, as well as here:
Ronin watched in shock as the shady looking men disappeared in a thick grey fog and left behind a gang of giant, venomous snakes with large fangs and a pointed tail
“Where are you going Ronin?”
If a character is referred to directly by name/nickname/title/etc, a comma should come before or after it. So 'Where are you going, Ronin?' is better.
Hopefully that's of help to you with your actual beginning!
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