The Ballad of Greg Thomas
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February 14th, 2012, 01:01 AM
There's Something About Lamps
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Since this is your first fic ever, welcome to FF&W!
The summary didn't really seem to relate to the prologue at all. The overview made it look like the story was first in Greg's normal world life, if that made any kind of sense. We first see Greg training in the Pokemon word with his Alakazam. The overview made it seem like the story would be about how Greg teleports into the Pokemon world and is completely lost, since he's in a different universe. That was not the case. In fact, Greg looked to be a native of Pokemon and sounded like a typical teenager in the Pokemon world, that is to be the champion. Then again, it is the prologue so meh. I'll have to keep reading to see how it goes.
Next, your formatting is way too... spacey. That's probably a terrible word in this case, but your paragraphs were seriously spaced out. More so than they needed to be, except in your sequences of dialogue. You should space it out as I am currently doing in this review, one line between only. In my opinion, any more than that would make the story look messy and almost disorganized.
The concept of a Hyper Rare Candy is strange. It's kind of what I'd imagine Team Rocket would experiment with. I get that the candy itself gives Pokemon a lot of energy and power. I find it weird that people can just buy steroids and give it to their Pokemon just like that. I think it would have made more sense if the "drug" was illegal and Greg was nervous about using it or something. I mean the drug gives Pokemon super strength, so if everyone had one, then no one would have to train Pokemon. With no one training Pokemon the world suddenly becomes boring. If anything, I'm sure people would make it illegal or something.
Okay, onto the next point. You use parenthesis a lot. Usually they add in some extra information, but it's quite excessive. When this happens, it kills the flow of your story. I kind of paused every time I came across a set and it was distracting. In some cases, you could just put it as its own sentence. Other times, you really could go without it. Just read over it and revise to your discretion.
Originally Posted by
Outside Stiraton City, in a forest clearing that had the city in eyesight, a male trainer with a fairly nondescript appearance(it was a personal pet peeve of his that people forgot about him) named Anthony was training his Pokemon, an Alakazam.
This was part was wordy. Try condensing it a bit, like take some information out and put it into a separate sentence. This happens quite a bit throughout, so try condensing your wording so your flow doesn't stop every now and then. It also helps because it makes it easier to understand.
Originally Posted by
Ever since they announced
research and development to the public, there had always been a huge following on it.
The bolded part should be changed to "its". "It's" is the conjugation of "it is", not the possessive pronoun. This happens again somewhere in your story, so be sure to use the correct form.
Your buildup of the crash was really sudden. I mean I didn't feel anything. Honestly, when I first read it I didn't even know it happened because it the pacing was so off. Remember to describe things adequately, otherwise it becomes boring and reads like a plot summary or something. Try elaborating a bit on these scenes, not explaining concepts, but more of the imagery and other things.
Okay, before I start ranting again, I'm stopping this review. Your story has the potential, it just needs that extra polish so it shines. Look over it and try fixing a bit of your grammar, mostly to avoid the awkwardness. Other than that, your mechanics are fine.
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