Thread: [Pokémon] The Fall to Redemption [PG-13]
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Old February 17th, 2012, 01:55 AM
Cutlerine
Gone. May or may not return.
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: The Misspelled Cyrpt
Age: 20
Gender:
Nature: Impish
Omigod, there's more of this? I'd given up hope - no, I'd completely forgotten and moved on. This is possibly the most exciting thing to happen since it snowed here last week.

It was in this state of mind that I approached the chapter, and I wasn't disappointed: you fully live up to the expectations raised by chapter one, further building up the wonderful world of Hoenn (if I could call it such) and the fantastic characters of Virgil and Birch.

Actually, a quick point regarding the whole Virgil/Dante thing: I for one would have immediately associated the name Dante with the Commedia, though I'm probably not representative of wider opinions, being as I am terminally weird.

It's a real pleasure when I can write a review and genuinely just heap praise on someone without having to point out more than a few flaws, and that's what I get to do now. Seriously, I'm having to rein myself in so that I don't just start screaming praise at the computer screen; I can't quite describe how much I like this story. It's just too awesome.

Anyway, moving on to the few minor things - and believe me, they really are minor - that I noticed. Here's number one (and also number two, conveniently packaged together):

Quote:
I was spared my non-existent answer; saved by the bell, or rather, the bugle. A loud and regal trumpeting rang through the village and a loud voice boomed, "make way for the Imperial legions!"
In general, avoid bolding text other than chapter headings or similar things. We know it's loud and booming, because you've already said that (in fact, you've said 'loud' twice in one sentence, something you probably ought to change) and the bolding just distracts the eye when you're reading three paragraphs up the page. If you really must, I suppose you could put it in small caps, but bolding and full capitals are usually to be avoided.

Problem number two: that semicolon. It can't be there, by the laws that govern its limited existence. You see, if you're not using it in a list, a semicolon can only link two whole sentences that could function separately, rather than one sentence and a subordinate clause, as is done here. You could use a dash instead, which wouldn't involve changing any text at all; alternatively, if for whatever reason you're hell-bent on having a semicolon, I suppose you could reword it so that you could fit one in.

Quote:
He didn't seem to mind the missing items, only showing a small tic when he noted an absence; it was his torchic's pokeball that he was after: cradling the sphere as though it were a fragile egg, cooing and whispering reassurances to the youngling inside while he inspected its capsule for damage.
Here's another example. The semicolon and colon usage is all over the place. Like a semicolon, a colon only links two whole sentences, although it has the extra function of beginning a list (as it does later). The sentence is messy and confusing; punctuation marks are the road signs of the language motorway, and it throws the reader off. I'd suggest repunctuating it thusly:

Quote:
He didn't seem to mind the missing items, only showing a small tic when he noted an absence. It was his torchic's pokeball that he was after: he cradled the sphere as though it were a fragile egg, cooing and whispering reassurances to the youngling inside while he inspected its capsule for damage.
The changes are bolded. It's a small change, but the result is much, much more readable. These aren't the only two places; there are other parts of the chapter that need this little bit of attention.

But that's about all I can point out that you might want to address. The rest is great: I can't fault the plot, the characters or the consistency of logic, all common pitfalls for the unwary writer. I love the writing style, which probably accounts for why I love this story so much, since I'm obsessed with style and technique.

I could wax very lyrical indeed here, but I'm going to wrap this up now, or I'll be here all day. All I'll say for the time being is that I very much look forward to the next instalment.

F.A.B.
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