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February 17th, 2012, 08:24 PM
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: The Misspelled Cyrpt
Hm! This is interesting, and very intriguing with it. Today seems to be a good day for finding fanfictions.
Well, let me first say that it's great to see someone making full use of the first person. So many times, I've seen people missing the opportunity to really develop the character of their narrator, by manipulating their voice and choice of words - but here? It took me about two paragraphs to get the measure of the Sentret. That's not a good thing, that's a
I'll have to agree that Senori rambles a little too much on occasion - particularly when he poses rhetorical questions, replaying the scene of the accident over and over in his mind. I'd suggest keeping questions like that down to bunches of threes, and also that each of them ought to be as clearly expressed as possible, in order to keep the flow from thought to thought and make it easier to read. It's a bit jarring to find yourself stumbling over the third sentence in a story:
Was my tail not yet long enough to help me stand high enough to watch for danger?
It's a trifle clumsy, probably because of the repeated 'enough', and also possibly because it's so much longer than the first question. There are a couple of other places where the wording's slightly awkward as well, one of which was pointed out by bobandbill. It's nothing major, but I thought I'd point it out; if a story
be made better then it
to be made better, in my view.
I do also think that Senori's knowledge of Trainers and the nearby cities might be a little too extensive for a creature that has comparatively little contact with humans, and may not fully understand them anyway.
Other than those general points, I've only got three typographical/grammatical errors and one vague annoyance to point out. I'll take the errors first:
away from the sight of the attack
You mean 'site', not 'sight'.
Some specialize in attack while others specialize is defense
I believe they specialise 'in' defence, rather than 'is' it.
It would take time until I realized how wrong that I was.
There shouldn't really be a 'that' there; it's not used in this construction.
Finally, the vague annoyance: you tend to use a double hyphen (--) instead of both a dash (–) and a long dash (—). This is a wild overreaction on my part, but I really, really hate them, and would consider your story very much improved if you'd use the correct punctuation marks. It's something so minor that it doesn't actually matter, but I'm afraid I can't bear to finish this review without mentioning it.
Anyway. Those few little things aside, this was one of the best things I've read here all month. I'm looking forward to seeing more.
A SMELL OF PETROLEUM PERVADES THROUGHOUT
: A text-based adventure game with me instead of a computer program.
The Thinking Man's Guide to Destroying the World
The Rocket Case
The Rocket Revival
Neither Here Nor There
Coriolanus Rowland's Guide to Pokémon Husbandry
Robin Goodfellow's Christmas Carol
Stranger Than Fiction
My Trip to the End of Time, by Pearl Gideon
For information about A Grand Day Out, a bizarre short story in video game form, click
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