Thread: [Pokémon] Survival Project
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Old February 17th, 2012 (1:50 PM).
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diamondpearl876 diamondpearl876 is offline
you can breathe now. x
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Illinois, USA.
Age: 23
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Posts: 1,559

Quote originally posted by bobandbill:
Firstly, welcome back to the section, diamondpearl876! Always nice to see members return. =)

Thanks, it's good to be back!

Quote originally posted by bobandbill:
Secondly - I quite like this beginning too. Very nicely written - the character of the Sentret is very clearly portrayed and I find it a neat choice of Pokemon as well. I'm also quite intrigued by this trainer who doesn't seem to know much at all about how to do things properly and yet can understand Pokemon speech just fine - so I wonder what his deal is and am looking forward to seeing more (as well as seeing what other Pokemon show up and what they are like).

Not much to fault here, really, although I did find the Sentret's tangent rambling a touch overdone after a while. I do wonder what it had done to be outcast by the other clan on that note... I didn't feel the first scene separator was necessary either, although there's not much issue with keeping it there either I suppose. The last line felt a bit disjointed as well from the previous and I wonder if the chapter would feel better finished without it, or at least some rewording to clarify that it was the way the sentret spoke was so cold (assuming that wasy what you had meant).

I'm glad you find it interesting so far. The rambling/thinking too much is part of the sentret's personality, so I'll have to be sure not to make it look overdone in the future. Thanks for pointing it out.

The beginning sector was mostly supposed to be an attention getter and give the reader the first impression on the sentret's questioning and "dwelling on the past" personality.

I"ll also fix the ending to clarify that, yeah, the way that the sentret spoke was cold.

Quote originally posted by bobandbill:
This sounded a bit odd - the first part I'm not sure that it sounds right that mud clung only because the Sentret 'disturbed it' which seems to be the implication from the wording, and I feel you could also make it clear that the sight was worsened from before the Sentret had been knocked to the ground as it doesn't seem that clear to myself.

Nice start, certainly - good luck with the rest of the fic!

I'll fix that. I have a tendency to be wordy and not make sense sometimes, unfortunately, so thanks for pointing that out and for reviewing~

Quote originally posted by Cutlerine:
Hm! This is interesting, and very intriguing with it. Today seems to be a good day for finding fanfictions.

Well, let me first say that it's great to see someone making full use of the first person. So many times, I've seen people missing the opportunity to really develop the character of their narrator, by manipulating their voice and choice of words - but here? It took me about two paragraphs to get the measure of the Sentret. That's not a good thing, that's a great thing.

I'm glad that you like the first person, since I don't have much experience with writing it. The first part was to give a first impression of the sentret's personality, too, so I'm glad it worked well for you.

Quote originally posted by Cutlerine:
I'll have to agree that Senori rambles a little too much on occasion - particularly when he poses rhetorical questions, replaying the scene of the accident over and over in his mind. I'd suggest keeping questions like that down to bunches of threes, and also that each of them ought to be as clearly expressed as possible, in order to keep the flow from thought to thought and make it easier to read. It's a bit jarring to find yourself stumbling over the third sentence in a story:

It's a trifle clumsy, probably because of the repeated 'enough', and also possibly because it's so much longer than the first question. There are a couple of other places where the wording's slightly awkward as well, one of which was pointed out by bobandbill. It's nothing major, but I thought I'd point it out; if a story can be made better then it ought to be made better, in my view.

I'll keep this in mind and try to make it flow better (in the future as well), thanks. I agree that it any piece of work should be made better if possible, so I appreciate the comments~

Quote originally posted by Cutlerine:
I do also think that Senori's knowledge of Trainers and the nearby cities might be a little too extensive for a creature that has comparatively little contact with humans, and may not fully understand them anyway.

I was worried that someone would think this, and I tried to explain it by saying that Senori sees/listens to all the new trainers coming by the forest (since he stands guard an awful lot), so he's heard and seen many things over the years. Perhaps I didn't make it clear enough, or that's not a good enough reason. Hmm.

Quote originally posted by Cutlerine:
Other than those general points, I've only got three typographical/grammatical errors and one vague annoyance to point out. I'll take the errors first:

Will fix the errors, thanks! And will have to make sure I look over future chapters better.

Quote originally posted by Cutlerine:
Finally, the vague annoyance: you tend to use a double hyphen (--) instead of both a dash (–) and a long dash (—). This is a wild overreaction on my part, but I really, really hate them, and would consider your story very much improved if you'd use the correct punctuation marks. It's something so minor that it doesn't actually matter, but I'm afraid I can't bear to finish this review without mentioning it.

Lol, it does seem minor, though I can see why it's annoying. I'll go back and fix it and try to use it correctly in the future. Thanks for reviewing!

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