Thread: [Pokémon] Crossing Paths
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Old February 17th, 2012, 03:36 PM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Huh. I thought it was going to be a bit . . . longer. I have no problem if it's short, but there is a problem when there's almost nothing happening in a span of a few sentences and maybe two paragraphs, if that. This chapter didn't really explain anything. I don't get what was the point of it, to be honest. A chapter should introduce something relevant to the plot. I guess you accomplished that in this, but it wasn't very much to begin with and it didn't really end like a true ending. It wasn't a cliffhanger either; it just stopped. Try writing more into a chapter.

There's also a good lack of reason. What I mean is that Ash is randomly going to enter a contest instead of hunting for badges or fighting with Iris (I'm assuming you're using the current anime canon), etc. It's almost necessary for you to explain why Ash is there in the first place. It could be that he's feeling down for some reason and wanted to cheer up.

In addition, Misty being there is also a major predicament. First there's the fact that she's there and Ash didn't know about it. Misty and Ash traveled the world together for a long time. The specific time is vague, but you get the point nonetheless. The last time they saw each other outside of Pallet was in Hoenn, when Ash & co. were going to the Togepi Kingdom of whatever it was called. Misty called ahead of time so that Ash could meet up with her. They'd plan it out. So to me, when Ash doesn't know that Misty is in Unova, then it doesn't make too much sense. Second, Misty is a Gym Leader and must stay in her position since no one else can take over the gym. Her sisters are out touring the world so she's planted. It'd be best if you explain why Misty is there, otherwise it's not exactly canon.

One more thing, you should space out the paragraphs/lines of dialogue more. The spacing should be just like I'm spacing my paragraphs out right now. This is to help readers so that their eyes aren't strained from a massive jumble of words. Of course this actually isn't too big of a deal in your chapter because it is so short, but it's a good rule of thumb when you start writing longer chapters.

And this concludes my review. It was more like advice, but whatever. That constitutes a review in my eyes anyway. Your grammar and spelling is fine, as far as I can tell, so keep that part up. I don't see many fics that use Ash around these forums, so I'll keep an eye on this story. Just navigate through canon (which gets a lot of writers, trust me) and I think this story can turn out fine. Then again, there's not much I can sample. Anyway good luck!
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