The Ballad of Greg Thomas
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February 22nd, 2012 (9:36 PM).
~Have you ever seen the rain?~
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Greg used gunshot! It's super effective! (Or in one case, not very effective which I quite liked; good playing around with the fact one of them is steel type).
I like the description and possible reasons he's trying to come up with everything looking strange to him, haha. These two chapters were fairly entertaining, and I also enjoyed the inclusion of the Cut-able tree and so forth. That said, I am a bit iffy on a few things such as Ho-oh appearing - even if it's a throwaway to the anime it strikes me as odd for it to be flying around Unova. On that note, what I'm guessing is Luxray in Unova (I assume it is anyway given the Unova legendary trio there) also seems out of place here; why not a native Unova Pokemon? (I liked that it seemed to be wearing pants to Greg though, haha).
Watch for overwriting things and being repetitive on points - for instance I felt the whole 'cannot breathe' part dragged on for far too long; it didn't seem right that he would be dwelling so much on it given the situation, and nor did it seem necessary to read so much on the topic. There were a few other instances of this as well, such as the 'I never shot anything in my life' bit.
There was no air coming into my lungs, and they were already they were beginning to be filled with carbon dioxide.
Watch also that the sentences make sense; at times ones like this seem unfinished or changed halfway through (around the 'they were already they were' bit).
It was a large bird-of-prey, which species, I could not tell. It's main color was red,
The first sentence doesn't sound quite right with the use of the comma - a new sentence or hyphen would work better. Another mistake is that it should be Its (possessive, e.g. its wheel) rather than It's (it is) - this occured a few other times in the chapters.
supposed to be a rainstorm before people see rainbows?
In the arm rest compartment of the Crown Victoria, there lies a Beretta 92 and four spare clips
I feel it reads better with 'was' instead of ', there lies'.
I scrambled for the arm compartment, finding the Beretta, where I had left it, untouched for 3 years
The commas here also seem unnecessary in places such as after 'Beretta'; watch how you use them. Also, three rather than 3; numbers less than 100 in most cases should be written out with letters (I think it is fine to not do so with the gun model though as that's usually how they are written).
I fired the Beretta, it's loud report ringing through the air, at a living being for the very first time in my life.
That lion was hurt by bullets like everything else in nature, at least I think everything is.
Another sentence that read oddly due to the use of the comma - again, something else like a semi-colon or a new sentence would work better. A comma should be used before a name when used to address someone by it, separating adjectives, a pause in speech or before a 'fanboys' (for and nor but or yet so), in a list of items, etc, but here it does not quite fit.
They were sniffing around the area, searching for something much like police K-9 dogs, and it did not take a genius to know that they were looking for probably whatever had made the noise of the gunshot.
All three of them were acting like they were searching the area for something, most likely who fired the gunshot.
Another instance of repeating facts, only this was separated by a few paragraphs. Once is usually enough; don't repeat bits like this as it drags the pace of the story and is also somewhat boring once we've already been told about it.
The blue creature inspected it closely, and the look on
face as it looked at the cartridge made it clear that it had never seen such a thing before in its life
Another case of it's/its misusage.
didn't look like they were going to back down anytime
, I pointed the Beretta at them in disgust at having to use it again.
I think you don't need the 'they' there, and 'anytime soon' rather than 'anytime sooner'. A full stop is what I recommend over the comma, as the two parts on either side of it work just fine as their own sentence and don't work well together. Alternatively you could add in a 'fanboys' after it - e.g. "...anytime soon, so I pointed...'
tool box and my suit pockets in desperation of something to use, when I caught a look at the flashlight I took with the tool box.
was one of those large 12" ones
the rather than 'to', methinks, and capitalise that it.
When the creatures reached
the flashlight had dropped
As said, the chapters were entertaining and furthermore the chase was fun to read and exciting in itself; just watch for those issues with commas and small typos, as well as repetition of facts or overwriting some parts.
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