Chronicles of Innocence (Digimon)
View Single Post
February 23rd, 2012 (07:38 PM).
There's Something About Lamps
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Digimon! Digimon monsters, duh duh! Oh Digimon... where have you been, in my heart?
Okay, stepping away from that instance. Let's get cracking!
I'm guessing you have like five-six kids, since there are like names at the end of each little description. See, that's too vague. You don't give names, not that you actually have to, it's just easier to identify. But in this case, I would use names or something. There are so many characters and its hard enough to know them just by these descriptions. Introducing too many characters in a short instance is very troubling to the reader. Space it out a bit.
Also, pronouns are useful and all, but it's annoying when in excess. Especially when the pronouns change from each person, and we can barely tell.
One more thing about characters. It's never a good idea to just tell readers how this character is. I'm sure you've heard of show-don't-tell. Just show us how the characters are. Present us their actions and their reactions to different scenarios and we, the readers, can determine what personalities they hold. It's boring to find out in an instant, even more so when you lay it out on a picnic table for the ants to steal. A few of the characters seem like Mary-Sues/Gary Stus. They aren't unique to begin with, but we'll see how you handle them. Remember to bring in flaws as well, or we'll get the wrong idea.
Oh yeah, the descriptions. I thought every little bit pretty much repeated itself, in style and in format. Halfway through, I predicted how each bit would end up and guess what? I was right. Your style, shown in this, is really vague and iffy, if that word can be used. Your sentence structures don't vary much (which is what I mean when I said predictable). I'll echo FourCartridge here and say that there isn't a clear event at all in the prologue. Everything is wrapped up and it's in a giant knot. I can barely understand what's happening. Fate is choosing someone, no clear reason why, and yada yada. It's so muddy.
Prologues usually set a tone for your story. See, it usually has a big event. These serve as the catalyst for the whole thing. In this case, it would be the choosing. The problem is that there aren't any physical events. There aren't any events at all, now that I think about it.
Wow. I feel terrible now that I read over my review. Hopefully I didn't completely bash your head in or anything. You have pretty good mechanics, no spelling errors or anything. And that's almost something to be proud of compared to other fics. Continue writing and I'll be sure to stop by and leave another word or two!
View Public Profile
Send a private message to psyanic
Find all posts by psyanic
Find threads started by psyanic
Ignore Posts by psyanic