The Nova Travels
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February 23rd, 2012, 08:15 PM
There's Something About Lamps
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Oh look, I'm back!
Interesting chapter, though it was almost like a filler. The plot didn't move too much, but I guess the characters developed a bit more. Personally, I thought that they got close too fast. They're already speaking with each other dandily and it seems too obvious that they'll eventually like each other. I think it would have been better if there was a slight change in attitude with each chapter, progressing enough so that the astute reader would notice, but it's just below a thin surface. Just bear with me and my analogies. The point is that characterization should be something you notice when the change is almost too drastic to pass up. Like, say, when you get to the final chapter and Jake and Christy are buddy-buddy, laughing on the beach and making sandcastles. It's brilliant if you can get it that way without readers immediately holding up the red flag and thinking it'll end up like that anyway.
Okay, enough rambling. I'm gonna go crazy if I keep doing that. I was almost pissed that you didn't keep on following Jake and his capture. That's a big deal, ya know. Catching a Pokemon, especially a first, is a significant event and can present a trainer's development. It brings a comparison to when you get to the end of the fic, so we can be like, "Hey, he caught it without much trouble at all! I remember the time when his Gligar swooped down and nearly cut his head off!" I think it would have supported Jake's role as a character if we saw him treat Christy after he got the Gligar. You could allow us entry into his head and find his thoughts and attitudes, etc.
Originally Posted by
Learning their lesson from last time, the first thing they did was stop by the pokémon center and reserve a room with
beds this time.
I noticed that you used time in the same sentence twice. Try to avoid doing that because it's a bit repetitive and almost annoying. Unless that was what you were trying to convey, you could take "this time" out. It's not even a necessity in comparison to the paragraph as a whole since we know what they're doing now is "this time".
It's good to see that the trainers are learning though.
Both of them had extremely weird dreams. I would know. I have weird dreams too. Last night, I dreamt that I was on a pirate ship and it sailed off into the moon and we battled aliens. No seriously, I'm not kidding. It was a great dream, but it's still just a dream. Their dreams had almost no point. I guess it takes us into their fears and all, but it's not too interesting if you get my drift. Christy has a fear of losing her hammers; Jake doesn't like fire. Oh and she likes bacon, but that's not too significant. Remember with comedy, don't try to overdo it. Keep it nice and steady. Have a good set up and hit us hard with the release. Though these situations are crazy, it's more like slapstick comedy, which isn't too common in literature. Try experimenting and see what works for you though.
There isn't much else to say about chapter five. Some parts it's amusing and brings in humorous situations, and other times it gets crazy. The feeling of that out-of-mind feeling makes me feel happy for some reason. That's so quirky. Anyway, I kind of feel you should have described the Hypnosis incident a bit more in detail, rather than just saying rings made them fall asleep. But hey, can't complain too much.
On another note, a good friend of mine since elementary school's name is Christy and that's the way it's spelled. That's almost the only way I've ever seen it spelled (next to Kristie, Christie, etc.).
I hope I led you into the right direction, and not to the edge of a cliff. Just keep on writing and I'll keep following to see what happens! I hate reading things then never finding out what happens later, so you can count on me finding out. God, that was so wordy.
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