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February 25th, 2012 (6:16 AM).
There's Something About Lamps
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Plot twist! Oh I do like a good plot twist.
Hiro's reasoning is interesting, even if he sounds uneducated the way he delivered the information. It's still quite new, but I don't see why he doesn't hate technology more since that makes you even more dependent that Pokemon if you think about it. Or did technology further because of Pokemon? So many questions make my head hurt.
Anyway, Hiro's whole monologue is a bit lengthy. I mean that's fine, if he was giving a formal speech or something. But he's not. It's hard to believe he talked that long without anyone interjecting saying, "Hiro, you're full of crap." That sounds more likely to happen rather than him ramble on for a couple minutes while everyone just listens. It's good to bring in a more human aspect into the conversation, otherwise it's hard to imagine and visualize. The same goes for Lynx's lengthy part. People don't talk that long without doing something, like sneezing or coughing or glaring at someone.
On another note with the dialogue, you're missing a few punctuations here and there. Not sure if they're just typos, because you have most of them anyway.
Originally Posted by
“Pokémon genocide” answered Chief.
Like here, you're missing a comma after 'genocide'. Be sure to proofread for these things. There's nothing wrong with taking another day if you have to. Just be sure to proofread or the writing looks kind of sloppy.
Okay, a few more things about the conversations. I really don't like how a few writers use caps to convey a tone or mood. When you use capitalize all the letters in a word, the word seriously jumps out and screams, "Notice me!" It's almost like bolding a word or something. That would be the first thing I read, and it's a bit distracting. This is really evident whenever someone laughs, apparently manically, such as when Hiro starts berating everyone.
You also use semi-colons within dialogue. I mean that's fine with prose, but when you write dialogue, it looks really out of place. Maybe it's just because I've only ever seen it been used in fanfiction, and never in professional works. It's preferable to just separate independent clauses with a period in dialogue. It reads better, but that's my opinion.
Originally Posted by
“That sounds like you love Pokémon, but hate the way humans use” said Arianna.
After use, it looks like the sentence is missing a word or two. I think you want to include "them", not to mention a comma.
Enough about dialogue! It's starting to get to me. Now, I mentioned I like plot twists, which you did put in, but I felt that it wasn't executed to its full potential. Then again, the story itself isn't very long. When this happens, the pacing starts getting real fast, especially when you have a lot of things going on and short chapters. Normally, I wouldn't care too much, but here, you didn't let the readers have the plot sink in. The thing about plot twists is having the right time for delivery. Make sure that the readers understand what's going on and boom, what they think will happen probably won't happen because some new information changed everything. Work on pacing. It's a big deal. Keep it nice and steady, since you have a lot of time breaks.
Alright, so now I'll start talking about characters. You have a few interesting characters, but in general just a lot of pretty faces. Most of the characters don't do anything. They talk a bit and complain about something, but that's it. Lynx's brother was solely a plot device. The other members of the World Police don't have much personality. They all seem to act the same and aren't very interesting. They need some love too! It would be awesome if you gave them some kind of personality as well, including developments. They are kind of major characters as well. I almost mistook Brittany for Arianna quite a few time, and vice versa.
Lynx. The protagonist. You have a lot of word space dedicated to him, but I don't think I know Lynx that well at all. His Pokemon died, he gets new ones and does a rebirth routine, yada yada. Part of the reason Lynx bothers me is his reactions to things. He must be bottling up the death of his Pokemon because he cries a few instances, but that's not real depression in my eyes. It's your job as the author to reveal that side to us. I don't think Lynx would show it, but maybe he goes to his Pokemons' graves and places a few flowers. Or he looks at old photos and sadly smiles. Those things are emotions. Readers identify those and makes the characters more human. This really does follow along with giving your characters more depth. I nearly called him a Gary-Stu since he's almost perfect. Remember, personalities have their quirks.
Alright, I'm almost done. I'm gonna mention a few things, then, I'm gonna walk away. Action. Verbs. Battles. Mewtwo. Those aren't the few things, by the way. Your battles are really short and pretty much a series of actions, without much description added in. Think about this. In reality, fights are a few minutes at most. People throw a few punches, a good kick to boot, but after that someone's on the ground with a black eye and a bleeding lip. Fights are short. You want to suck every little moment out of that scene, savoring each hit with a passioned desire. That sounds like I'm describing a vampire... Anyway you want to slow your action down, if that made sense.
Think about it like this. Have you watched the Harry Potter movies? If you didn't, go out and watch them you sick person. Nah, I'm kidding. This is just an example. In Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix, Sirius dies. Bellatrix hits him with the killing spell and wham, he's dead. Do you think the movie portrayed it that way? Or did JK Rowling just write, "He got hit and fell." Definitely not. That's a pivotal moment in both the books and the movie. I'll look into the movie because it's a lot more dramatic. Sirius gets hit with a green flash and he falls back slowly. The producers and the directors do everything in their power to milk this moment. Everything is slowed down. Everyone looks with horrified faces forming steadily; it's almost like a wave. Harry starts screaming, but the producers cut the audio. The last part is Sirius slowly drifts into that portal and floats through and dies. I'd say that scene was a good five minutes, even though it would have taken a second in real time.
Your action should be important. I mean you have a lot going on. I like the idea of Mewtwo going around and hitting everyone with a giant spoon, but he needs some kind of descriptive action. And yes, I know you didn't give Mewtwo a spoon, but I think that's just freakin' cool. Dedicate more word space to your actions. Describe the reactions. Give character through the fight. Give us their thoughts, their feelings, everything. The potential is endless, you just have to use it.
So, Mewtwo. That psychic catastrophe comes up again. I think there are about two fics in this forum about Mewtwo. That's my fun fact for the day, by the way. You released Mewtwo again. My only problem with the way you introduced him was that you introduced him through appearance. I know I'm echoing this, but, please do something other than flat imagery. What I call flat imagery is boring descriptions that are literally scientific or straight out physiology. It's not fun to read about that. It's only colors and texture and numbers. Give us something qualitative. Maybe Mewtwo had a huge, angry scowl on his face. He might have looked frail, but his eyes gave the true psychic nature of his being. Maybe the air grew colder with his appearance. Maybe Lynx pissed his pants because he was afraid. Tell the readers something like that. This gives my next point about emotions. Don't say he was afraid. Screw that. Show us, don't tell us. Like I just said, if Lynx felt a bit of sweat under his armpits, we'd know he's nervous. If the Chief backed away slowly and eyed the door, it's obvious he wants to get the hell out of there.
Oh, this review is getting seriously long. But how can Hiro control Mewtwo so easily? I mean I think you're going with game canon, but either way, Mewtwo is a legendary and doesn't want to be controlled. I think it would have been interesting if you elaborated on how Mewtwo was controlled, like say, if it had a device on his ankle and if he didn't obey, he'd get shocked. Just a bit of food for thought.
This is so long. If you're wondering, I think this review took me a little less than an hour to compose. Aren't you just elated with my suggestions? And the time I want to give you? Well if you read this far, I bet you are! Your story has a lot going on, and at times, it doesn't. You'll get better as you keep writing and look to these suggestions! Trust me, it'll be worth it. Take your time and write with diligence. Your story has a lot going on and you have to make it shine. You hear me? Make it shine. If it's shining in your eyes, make it shine brighter. Polish it with some oil and clean it with a towel. Keep on writing and I'll definitely follow this!
PS, I meant to write a review when you first posted it back in January, but I never actually found the time. I guess I made up for some lost time here! Just about a month later, haha.
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