Hanran Sentai JohtoRanger (Teen)
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February 25th, 2012 (3:28 PM).
There's Something About Lamps
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Rangers, trainers, hybrids, and Team Rocket? This certainly looks interesting. I once read a fic about the Pokemon Rangers, except they wore tight suits and looked like Power Rangers or something. It was gory and bloody, not to mention mature, so I guess that makes up for it. Anyway, this certainly holds some appeal.
So Giovanni returns to conquer the world? I've always wondered what Giovanni's goal was. I kind of thought he'd act like Voldemort in the Harry Potter series, and just make some bank and do other things. It's never happened before, so who knows what'll happen? Okay, back to actually
. You explicate a lot in this erm... chapter. It really does read like a summary and summaries aren't really interesting. It would be different if you put it in some author's note, but it won't change much. The thing is, readers are a bit turned off when they read long summaries. Readers would think of it as a textbook. Have you heard of show, don't tell? Well, now you did. Show the readers what's happening so the action is active and the reasons are clear. I think it would have been awesome as a prologue. Like, say Giovanni and his goonies were researching Pokemon with prosthetic limbs and their battle capabilities. They experiment a bit and boom, some weird hybrid comes out after they alter DNA by adding in human chromosomes. Giovanni watches the hybrid beat the living hell out of some Pokemon and he wants more hybrids made. This is far more interesting to read rather than, "He wants to control the world with hybrids."
The same can go with Arceus choosing random teenagers. It's pretty arbitrary to choose a kid off the block and tell him/her that they're going to save the world. Realistically, a few wouldn't want to take the challenge to begin with. I mean, it's like helping a person who's getting raped. It's practically the same thing, but a lot of people wouldn't do it. If some woman was screaming rape in an alley, would you help her? Nowadays, a lot of rape prevention classes are teaching women to yell, "Fire!", instead. Arceus doesn't seem like he'd have human connections. A few fics I read had some meeting with Legendaries as soon as a threat shows us. But this usually happens after some intense conquering happens from, in this case, Team Rocket. I don't think Arceus would focus so much on Team Rocket, because if you think about it, they weren't much of a threat to humanity and Pokemon as a whole. Their organization just abused a couple here and there, made a bit of money, but that's it. They didn't try to kill the president or blow up Mt. Moon. They're like background characters. It would take a lot for Arceus to begin to notice them, because there are so many other teams Arcues would be more interested, like Team Aqua/Magma, Team Plasma, etc.
Okay, onto the characters. You introduce three of them, but their situations sounds like a US Army commercial. You know the one where random dudes turn around and start sprinting until they line up in front of a drill sergeant? I swear, that's what was playing in my head when you started introducing them. It's even more than a call. Except their call of duty was from freaking
in their world. Anyway, the way you introduced them seemed all too similar. You first say their name, their race, age, clothing, and where they are. When you do that repetitively, it's predictable. As soon as people realize that it's predictable, they stop reading. You want some variety. I bet it's hard introducing characters because of how random the selection process seemed to be, but I think it would have been easier introducing one character at a time. Slowly introduce them enough so that readers can establish some kind of personality in their minds, and move on to the next one.
Originally Posted by
Gabe Mendoza, a seemingly Hispanic 18 year old young man, wearing a red shirt with a white Kanji symbol for fire on the back, blue jeans, and white sneakers, was from Azalea Town.
The problem with "seemingly" is that it's such an ambiguous term, Gabe might not be hispanic at all. That means he only looks hispanic, but he could really be black or something. And I have a problem with this whole sentence actually, except for the Azalea Town part, but we'll get to that later. I think one of the biggest problems writers try to do is to describe their characters' appearances. A lot do it through the way you did, maybe adding in a hair and eye color to boot. It's actually not a good idea to give readers an appearance. See, when you start describing people, it takes people out of the story. Let's do an experiment, trust me it's worth the time. Go to your bookshelf and choose five different books. Read the first few pages and see if any of them go so specifically to describe a character. Waiting... waiting... okay. That's enough waiting. Personal descriptions aren't as common as you think now, are they?
Authors try to help readers when they introduce characters because they think, "Oh crap, I introduced Fred, but readers don't know what he looks like!" Then authors "help" the readers. It's never a good idea to do that. It's not even important what race they are either, unless race is important. Actually, appearance is only important if it's relevant to the plot. So if there was a book based on the Civil Rights Movement, I think it'd be important to know if the main character was black or white. In this case, it's not. Describe your characters through their personalities. Readers can identify with them more. Besides, personalities are more interesting. If Gabe has a fear for donuts, that's far more important than if he has a lip piercing. Oh on more thing about Gabe, why is it Gabe that's Kurt's... nephew? In most cases, Kurt has a niece so... yeah. I'm just being picky but whatever. It's not that important anyway.
Originally Posted by
"What is it, Gabriel? I'm busy making Pokeballs from Apricorns!" the old man
, with the Slowpoke taking a nap by Kurt's feet.
"Asked" is a weird word to use here. Yes, Kurt does ask a question, but he ends his dialogue with an exclamation. It's kind of confusing if it keeps flipping around, so yeah. Might want to look to fix that. Also, you didn't really describe how Gabe got his letter so that's been baffling me for the past few minutes. Kurt is a real kook. He's crazy. He let his
nephew go on an adventure to save the world because he wanted him to avenge his parents? Kind of farfetched, don't cha think?
This corresponds with my next point. Everything happened so fast. There was barely enough room for actual description or any slowing down action. It just flew by and you get a letter and you teleport away. Slow it down a bit. The introduction is important. This chapter/episode defines the mood for the rest of your story. Be careful with it. Take easy steps forward and set a tone for the story. It sounds like it's supposed to be dark, since hybrids usually eat/kill things.
And I'm done talking. You have quite an interesting idea (even if you "stole" it), but you need to work a bit on the execution. Your prose is the only thing you really lack, but if you think about it, that's 90% of story writing. The other 10% is plotting and characters. Keep on working and writing, and hopefully this will turn out to be an entertaining story!
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