Arbok, Dawn, and Misty
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February 27th, 2012 (3:12 PM).
There's Something About Lamps
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Glad to see you fixed a few things, in the first chapter at least. You might want to do the same for your other chapters, just so that you can get the whole prose thing down. I would highly suggest fixing your chapters before you move on. You don't really have to do that, but I think it's better to venture further without having a mistake or two in your previous chapters. It's probably just me because I self-diagnosed myself with OCD.
There's one big thing I'd highly suggest, and I have to say it before I forget. Remember to space out your paragraphs and dialogue. It should just be like I'm typing this nifty little review. Hit the enter key twice for every line. It's a lot easier to read that way, not to mention that it looks a lot more neat. Formatting is a big thing, and even if your story is flat out awesome, it could turn off a lot of readers. So yeah, format.
I've been debating whether of not this was a script or something. There seems to be dialogue before the speakers, and that's fairly uncommon. I think it would help if you put in words like "said" or "asked" or something. It's just more to read, and so more interest. I don't know, but that's just how I view things. Welcome to my clinically messed up perception. Nah, not really. And besides, if you don't want to go through the trouble of putting in words, at least put in the punctation, which should be a colon (
, or something. The main problem with scripts is that they don't have much description, and I really love nice descriptions. It's like John Steinbeck, especially the Grapes of Wrath. He wrote a two-page chapter about a turtle crossing a road. Of course, he actually meant something and it did some imagery and a metaphor for the oppression and the movement of the people, etc. I mean, description is interesting stuff. It really gets the point of your story across. Sure actions do that too, but they're overrated.
And this leads to my next point, which is still description. Oops, that's the same point. I'm going to look at something else though, so bear with me. You don't have much personality with Misty, Dawn, or anyone else. Sure, you're using canon characters, but that doesn't mean you can't use their personalities. If anything, you should be using them, otherwise you might as well just make up a few. Misty is a fiery redhead, who's also a tomboy. She's determined and passionate, especially with water Pokemon and she wants to be a water master. She owns the Cerulean Gym and runs it because her sisters wanted to travel a bit, leaving her in the dust. Use that personality... somehow. Personally, I think it's better if you just don't use her. You'd have to explain a few things, but given the situation, it'd be a lot.
Anyway, you should also describe actions. Actions are a big part too. They fly, they jump, they swallow teenaged girls, you get the idea. Verbs do a lot of things. They're important. Explicate a few things. Describe the Arbok's hypnosis, and how Dawn and Misty react. Since Dawn was never hypnotized before, be sure to put in some emotions. It's a new experience. I think there'd be a bit of fear here and there, you know anxiety and stuff. It's not a walk in the park until you're comfortable with it. Your story just needs more. Also, I'd really like to see the Arbok's perspective. I know you said it wants to eat the girls, which is really beyond me, but I'd like to know how you'd present it and it's thoughts. It's just something you can think about. The motive itself is odd, because there's almost nothing wrong with eating Pokemon Food, or you know a rat or something. And I heard people don't taste good, just ask the sharks.
Alright, one more thing. Pace out when you start posting chapters. As a matter of fact, all these chapters could be combined into one. But don't post a chapter every day, every two days, or so recently. Most authors who write fast post about every week. It lets the story really sink in with the readers and keeps them hooked. If you just fly by, there's not much improving actually going on, ya know? Writing is a skill you learn, and you learn skills through time and effort. You don't learn how to write well in an hour, or a day, or even a week. It takes time, so take it easy. Enjoy the time you write, but also work to look at your weaknesses and make them your strengths. I'll keep following so keep on improving!
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