Thread: [Pokémon] A Seer's Shadowy Path
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Old February 27th, 2012 (9:12 PM).
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psyanic psyanic is offline
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 20
Gender: Male
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How dare you. You changed the genders! I am going to have to sue someone. I want my logic to be compensated. Nah, I'm kidding. Ironically, I thought Mew was male at first. Then Arceus, the majestic llama, came along and screwed up all my beliefs.

I'll agree with bobandbill on the interactions. It was pretty solid, and I especially liked Mew's popping in on the seer and totally killing the mood. I almost thought that Mew would be like Jesus and sacrifice his blood. Such a cryptic thought...

One of my main problems with this was the lack of description. I think this is a bit evident in the kitchen scene. It's a bit flat. There's a table, a stove, an oven, and that's just saying what's there. You say that it was a nice place, but I just didn't feel that vibe. When I thought nice, I imagined a wood brick oven with an inflating piece of dough inside. The smells of buttermilk and the heat of the flames... That would create more vivid imagery. Don't just say what's there; that's bland. Describing things should be more in the eyes of a character. I find it easier that way. So Dema would see these things and look on with nostalgia, such as looking at the stove where he burnt his hand once. It's just more descriptive that way. As a matter of fact, I think description is really the only thing you don't have. Mostly, you don't seem to need it, but at other times, especially in big pivotal scenes, I think adding in some would really help the tone.

Also, Dema's reaction was really short. I feel like I say this a lot, but you want to dedicate word space to important events. Obviously, being ordained is a big deal. bobandbill did say this, and I'll repeat it. "Dema gasped, still shocked" should be more of a show, don't tell situation. Oh he gasped, yay. That doesn't tell me much other than he's... excited? Think about it, putting in something like clutching his chest and fainting onto Billy (which is probably the most common name in this whole story) is more expressive. Now, that is a bit ridiculous since Dema totally wouldn't do that, but I hope that got the message across. It's a lot different than saying he was shocked.

Originally Posted by Electricmudkip View Post
“I have to admit, I wanted Rapier ordained first,” Seer admitted, “but as Spiriteye just explained, it would not be the best idea.
You use admit and admitted in the same sentence. It's repetitive, so you might want to change the "admitted" to just "said" or something.

Originally Posted by Electricmudkip View Post
Dema wanted to talk about the memory loss with someone, and his best friend was a good candidate for that.
Honestly, this whole bit was pointless. You say what he's going to talk about, then he says it two lines later. It's a bit... repetitive. Again. I think it's more interesting for readers to find out what Dema will talk about. I mean come on, create a bit of suspense or something. Keep the readers on their toes and keep 'em guessing.

Originally Posted by Electricmudkip View Post
The green gem on his forehead glowed and the laundry basket began to levitate.
Believe it or not, an Espeon's gem does not change color if it's shiny. It stays the same old red. Only the fur changes color. I was wondering why the whole thing would be green...

Originally Posted by Electricmudkip View Post
Billy turned around and fixed Rapier in a glare that would kill him on the spot, if looks could kill.
I've seen this expression used so many times, I can't even count the times I've read it on my fingers. Usually it's like, "If looks could kill, Raper would be dead ten times over." Meh, I'm picky aren't I?

And that's about it. At least, that's all I wanted to really go over. It's getting late so I had to cut this review short. I need my beauty sleep, just so you know. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. It's definitely an interesting story and I'm wondering what will happen next now that they can't go anywhere. What's more questioning is that what will happen to the seers? Without Mew, who would they worship. Or how would they react knowing that they attacked their deity... Oh questions, you make my head hurt.
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