View Single Post
  #50    
Old March 2nd, 2012, 07:32 PM
Greiger's Avatar
Greiger
A mad mind... hehe
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: A water pond, duh!
Age: 23
Gender: Male
Nature: Serious
@ShadowTheDarkrai Okay, for a Knight-Commander you will need to add more to your personality. Yet again, the major problem I have is with your history. The first problem is when you say Necro's father had a castle and that the clan lived there. I have no problem with Necro being born from a clan but all Knights live in the Council cities and since all of the Council cities belong to the Council then they couldn't have had total rule over one of the cities.

Another point is when you say that the clan began to switch to the lifestyle of the Knights when the Mechanists started to form their movement. As I stated in the opening the Mechanist movement has been around for two hundred years so it couldn't have started during his father's lifetime.

While it is acceptable to say the Necro hunted down Mechanists and killed them the Knights still have not found any enclaves. The only technology stashes that the Mechanists have are in the enclaves, so that part should be changed. Other than that the only technology the Knights would find would be on any Mechanist they kill. Also the Mechanists don't build houses, especially large ones, out in the open. The enclaves are hidden in the thick forests and if Knights so much as came within a certain distance of one they would immediately be attacked by the Declarum Forces since all enclaves have the D.F. protecting them.

For an idea on how to expand your personality look at miltankRancher's SU. I have a feeling that you're not really reading over all the information I've given you in my first post. Most of the mistakes in your history section could easily be fixed if you read my first post. Please make sure to read over the info again and rewrite your SU. For now you are still reserved until you make your changes.
__________________

Last edited by Greiger; March 2nd, 2012 at 07:39 PM.
Reply With Quote