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March 13th, 2012 (7:58 PM).
you can breathe now. x
Originally Posted by
I like your protrayal of the starter Pokemon in general, as well as Kuiora and his comparatively superior nature and characterisation. The only qualm I might have is the indication that he was the only smart one out of the bunch, although admittedly the Chikorita and Cyndaquil got less of a mention. The fact there were all rather juvenile and didn't know much fitted though, and I also liked how Elm appeared here even if he is one of my less liked professors. Description is again solid as are the small details fleshing out the world, such as the humorous mentions of cyndaquils burning things. XD Sai's still seeming fairly mysterious there as well...
I did feel that some points got repeated a bit too often again throughout this chapter, namely the mentions of the legendarys and the Totodile thinking it was destiny to meet one. Totodile just walking around after leaving the lab made Sai seem somewhat forgotten for a while too imo - maybe at least a mention of him or Kuiora (btw where do the names come from/any meaning to them curiously?) mentioning being more interested in the town than his new trainer for the moment. I also found at the end the 'fear well for them' phrase to sound odd - can't say I've come across that before. I liked the example of a story the Totodile was read though used at the beginning.
Lines like this I found particularly amusing. XD
Nicely done with the second chapter, certainly. Keep it up!
I'm glad you still like it so far.
As someone who thinks she's superior, Kuiora probably wouldn't acknowledge or admit if someone was smarter. She tends to suppress things that go against what she wants/believe. So I didn't think it fitting of her personality to mention someone else.
As I was writing, I thought that I actually didn't mention the legendaries enough, so that's interesting. Hmm. For some reason, I think noticing repetition is the hardest part of editing for me? I tend to do it a lot.
The names are just a combination of things... For Senori, sen means "forest," and ori means "my light," for instance. There's also a reason Sai is choosing these names in the order he is, but that reasoning won't be revealed for a while.
Thanks for taking the time to read and comment again~
Joined Jun 2007
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