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March 15th, 2012 (09:50 AM). Edited March 18th, 2012 by Dragovian98.
Join Date: Dec 2010
Quote originally posted by
You already have a review, however, it wasn't in-depth so I think I'll pick up from there.
A drought is interesting to see, especially in Johto since it's usually Hoenn getting the attention with abnormal weather. However, the description itself is lacking. Even more, some of the drought explanations don't make sense. Like why would Goldenrod hold up their water? I almost thought that this story was taking place back in the medieval times because of how much power seemed to be vested onto that city. Also, you can make salt water into fresh water. You have Cianwood mentioned and they're across the sea. You boil salt water and as the steam collects onto a surface and condensates almost immediately, fresh water is what remains and you can roll it off and drink it just as normal water. That is actually an at-home experiment, so you can try that out. But if that's at home, surely these people in the Pokemon world, with their awesome technologies, can do something about a water shortage. The death toll seems random. Unless the drought lasted for an exceedingly long time, there wouldn't be many deaths, though there would be a rise in heat strokes and related health conditions. In addition, I think it would have been more interesting to see the drought actually unfold. Obviously, something bad must have happened to cause such a drastic drought in Johto, of all places, so actually going out your way and putting into perspective would have been a lot more entertaining to read. A bit of feedback, especially for any future works you plan on doing. Get readers captivated.
After your little paragraph about the drought, then we are introduced to the characters, or the main character. You have a tendency to use pronouns versus using his name, and you should try to mention it so we don't have to read every sentence starting with, "He." He's uninteresting to begin with and his mother doesn't add much spice at all. Their interactions seem extremely mechanical and inhuman. For one, his mother wasn't able to realize that their water was cut off while her son did. I would have thought the mother to be slightly more intuitive than her son. There's nothing else to say about characters, and that's mainly because we don't know much about them at all. It's so weird and so little is shown that readers can't get a grasp about anything. Put in some characterization, otherwise readers cannot connect with the characters or sympathize or any kind of emotions, which you really want.
There is a lack of description and emotions. This is prominent in the scene where Ross's mother dies, or something. See, I was doubting what was happening to her and you did not make it clear. I barely understood what had happened and it took me a while to realize that maybe she died, or not. Don't do that to readers. Don't try to confuse people. It doesn't help you in any way nor does it help the readers. If indeed Ross's mother had died, you need some work. Dedicate word space to the scene. More words sends a red flag to readers and screams, "Hey, stupid! Pay attention, this part is important!" Also, this is a big scene and I didn't feel anything. Yeah, I could just be a soulless person, but there are not any emotions conveyed. There isn't a tone to show that someone is dying. It feels like nothing happened. Give us some insight on the characters or describe how much the heat has ravaged his mother. We don't know anything unless you start telling us what's going on. Lead the readers onto the path of light, don't let them stray into the darkness. And yes, this applies to just about everything else.
You lack a lot of imagery, which would really help your story if you had it. There's the whole drought scenario so giving us thoughts of dead things or cracked paint or something would provide such colorful descriptions and make your story even more entertaining.
Grammar and spelling aren't your forte, are they? Nevertheless, take the time to proofread. No, seriously, do it. Check your spelling and your grammar and watch for awkward sentences. There is absolutely no excuse for not checking/proofreading. If you don't, it would show us a lazy writer is writing a story. Throughout the story, there are many typos and spelling mistakes, but mostly typos. These little typos add up if you keep making them and slowly the readers will get aggravated when they read another one. Take the time to proofread. I mean sometimes you don't capitalize the beginning of a sentence, don't have correct capitalization/punctuation in dialogue, etc. For example:
These two sentences have quite a few mechanical errors. Can you look for them? Oh you can, because I bolded them for you. The quotation marks are fine, however, you need a space afterwards. The description of the... room is so vauge. You used threshold and boiling room, and I misread it as boiler room and thought Ross lived in the basement. Don't go over the top and try to use "fancy" words to describe things, just use your standard vocabulary. It doesn't work here. Next, the rest of the bolded words are all spelling mistakes. Take a look, take a nice long look. See, now that I pointed them out, you notice them! Fix them and don't let it happen anymore. Keep your typos down to a minimum so your writing comes off as more professional.
Oh, one more thing. You have some personal vendetta against "said", apparently. I don't think you used it at all. You use other annoying words like "exclaimed" or "inquired". Those aren't interesting. Those are terrible words to use. They break up your flow. When you do that, you take readers out of the story and remind them that they're reading something and get them interested in hitting the back button rather than reading more. Word choice is everything and I hope you understand that. Don't try to "show-off" your vocabulary and try using those words, they aren't interesting. They throw people off, especially when used in excess.
Okay, time for the plot. Actually, there is no plot.
, until the very end. Pretty much everything but the last three paragraphs are actually relevant. What's the bloody point of that? A lot of writers have the problem of starting out with some typical OT fic beginning, like I'm off to save the world, bye! Truth is, it's boring and no one wants to read that. Putting us right into the action, like mentioning all the blood and the eerie cracked windows on Professor Elm's lab is a lot more interesting versus reading about a kid waking up. And his mother fainting from hallucinations, or something. I firmly believe that the first sentence in your story is probably the most important, because that's the one people will definitely read. This pretty much applies to your first paragraph, so keep it interesting. Don't start telling us random crap like waking up. Get us into action. Show us some awesome sword fights or tense Pokemon battles. It's important that almost everything you write is relevant to the plot, even if vaguely, just so readers know what they're reading is important. Otherwise, why would we read it if it was so insignificant?
Your writing style is funny. I know DarkIceForever mentioned it, but I don't think it's too bad. It's probably due to your lack of experience in writing prose, but that will come eventually, I promise. If it doesn't, then it's because you haven't bothered to improve. And if you still don't, well, then you can punch me in the nose. Anyway, keep writing so you can feel some kind of rhythm you can hang on to and ride away. So that's all I can say about that. Though, reading a bit more would help. Really help actually, that way you can get used to professional writing techniques and learn a thing or two.
Keep writing and continue to improve. Look to what you have and try working with it. Give readers an image, one that you, too, will recognize. That's actually a really hard thing to do since you know what you want, and some readers will look at it differently but try your best. Remember to proofread and watch for any sort of typos. It's a big deal and a bit underrated with new authors.
- The last line of your story is whacky. Don't bother bolding it or centering it because I almost didn't notice to begin with. The impact of the line shouldn't rely on looking cool on paper, but moreover the power of the words.
- Your title is spelled incorrectly. It should be "Resistance" without an extra "i".
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Thanks for taking the time to reply, same with DarkIceForever! I read through all you advice, and I'll definitely take your advice on board. And now i've realised the title's spelt incorrectly, which doesnt help things haha! To be honest, that chapter was incredibly rushed, and it shows. I wrote it a few days ago, and really I just wanted to get ideas down. So, I looked over my Chapter 2 that I've begun and made improvements to it. Oh and by the way, his mother is incredibly dehydrated, and too weak to make the trip to Goldenrod. Anyway, lets begin:
Chapter 2: Hostage Situation
Ross didn't dare to look over his shoulder. His brain entered a panic, and began to take in details about the lab he had not noticed before: There were Pokeballs scattered across the ground, along with several research books. There had obviously been a struggle before Professor Elm was murdered. Ross heard footsteps, which were unmistakably coming in his direction. He braced himself, for the bang of the gun, and for his whole world to end. He looked at Professor Elm's cold, lifeless corpse. Soon, it would be him.
He felt someone grab his arm swiftly, forcing him up from his bent over position. Cigarette smoke blew in Ross' face, and a fag butt fell to his feet, before a strong stamp from the murderer killed the fire. Ross struggled against the man's iron grip, but it was hopeless.
"Stop strugglin' boy, it'll make things a whole lot easier," said the man. His gruff voice was that of a heavy smoker, and his breath smelt like an ash tray. Ross obeyed the man's commands, and gave up his struggle. The man let out a forced chuckle.
"Good, now don't make a sound"the man ordered, taking Ross closer and closer to the entrance door. Just before he reached the door, Ross passed by a second man; his faced adorned with violent scars. The man flashed a grin, exploiting his ruined teeth. Ross saw in his hands the glint of a pistol. ross shuddered, before his attention was averted elsewhwere by a tremendous noise. Police sirens.
"Crap!" the man holding Ross shouted, bursting the door down. He held Ross in front of him forcefully, as the police exited their vehicles. Ross heard the footsteps of the second man exiting the lab. Everyone was ready to shoot.
A man with white hair and a black suit stepped from out behind one of the police cars. Ross instantly recognised the man, the president of the Johto Region: Martin Thomson.
"Let the hostage go, Bill" Martin said, police all around him ready to pull the trigger.
"We had a deal," the president continued, shaking his head. Ross presumed Bill was the murderer who was holding him, but he felt so confused. How did the president know his name, and what kind of deal would a murderer have struck with the President? Soon enough, Bill replied:
"Deal's off, Mr. President," Bill said, tightening his grip on Ross. Ross felt something cold press against his right temple: a gun. He gulped nervously, wishing he was anywhere apart from New Bark town. Ross was now distracted by a new sound, which boomed through the air: A chopper.
, Ross thought to himself. He heard Bill chuckle in his ear, which he found unusual, what could he possibly find funny about police reinforcements? Ross struggled to look up, the chopper was now hovering directly above them. Then, the chopper opened fire.
Ross expected to be free from Bill's grip, but the chopper gunned down the police. Bullets bounced off the ground, as police collapsed, blood puring from gunshot wounds. Martin Thomson hid for cover in a police car. Ross heard the ignition start, as the vehicle roared away towards Cherrygrove. After the police were dispatched, the chopper landed softly on the grass.
Bill's accomplice jogged over to converse with the pilots, and motioned Bill over after about five minutes. Bill shoved Ross along, and into the back of the chopper. Ross heard Bill talking to the pilot, but didn't hear the subject of conversation. He heard small phrases, 'send reinforcements' and 'we'll hold out here'. Soon enough, the chopper rose into the air. Ross looked out the window, and caught his first glimpse of Bill's face. It was menacing, his deep brown eyes pierced through Ross, and he had a very noticable scar above his lip. His nose was crooked, and disfigured. Ross lost sight as the chopper rose, and he was left by himself, in the back room of the chopper, with no way out.
He wondered where the chopper was heading, his head abuzz with ideas and theories as to who Bill was, and how he knew the president. He heard noise from the front of the chopper. A radio, the news was on. Ross listened closely for the headline, bound to be a story about the ongoing drought. But he was wrong:
"Police have confirmed that New Bark Town has been taken over by an unknown group. The raid began this morning after citizens reported disturbance at Professor Elm's lab. Police responded immediately, but were outnumbered by the thugs. The president has not yet made a statement. dozens are missing in the town after the attacks, investigations are on going as to where they are. More on this story at 2:00pm".
Ross felt close to tears. He listened closely still but heard nothing. Then, he heard something outside the chopper. For the first time in 40 days, he heard the unmistakable pitter-patter of rain.
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