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March 15th, 2012 (7:29 PM).
Yes, I did know what was happening to his mother and it didn't make much sense. That's what I was getting at. It seemed too rush, too cliched, and more importantly, poorly built up. There's that annoying flash of memory writers always tend to use, especially in single parent homes. Seriously, why do all trainers have single parent homes?
And you need to slow down, cowboy. You just posted a chapter yesterday and now you've gone and posted the next one. When you do this, there are a number of problems that rise. First, readers don't have time to let the previous chapter sink in. I think I've said that many times and I still don't believe a word of it anymore. Screw that. Anyway, next thing is that it's evident you didn't proofread. Or if you did, you didn't do a very good job of doing it. I suggest getting a beta-reader or something before you post, mainly because you have tremendous mechanical errors that you didn't bother fixing in your previous chapter. That's another thing: fix your previous chapters before you go on. I believe it to be courteous if you edit your chapter if numerous people give you some kind of feedback, which in this case, happened. But I know you didn't try to fix your spelling, grammar, story, whatever. Please, go ahead and fix before you move on. It's common courtesy and polite to show reviewers that you actually did read our replies and that you took them to heart and applied them.
And if you proofread, you obviously did not do a good job of it. There are a few guidelines that you should follow when you proofread. Each time you proofread, look for a different thing. Maybe you want to skim through for mechanical errors first. That's fine. Next, you actually want to start editing and junk. No chapter is perfect on its first go. I guarantee it. There might be just a single sentence that can change the whole dynamic of a chapter and you didn't realize it because you didn't bother reading over your work thoroughly enough. I say you did not proofread well because of how fast you posted. Pace yourself. Take your time. Here's a little rule of thumb I keep. Write and finish a chapter. Wait a day, or two if you're really up for it, so do anything but read your chapter over. Next, you actually edit and proofread and do a really intricate read. This will catch all your mistakes, things you're not sure about, etc. Do this. And when you proofread, don't just read it. Speak it out loud and read it to yourself. If you're embarrassed, well, you need to make some changes, don't you? I hate to rant about this, but I felt like I really needed to say it.
Oh yeah, you also could have combined your two chapters together. You know, makes it more entertaining. Or something like that. This chapter is rather short, so combining them would have been a fine idea. However, you didn't want to because you wanted to rush, for no good reason, so the past is past. Remember this though, don't rush. Take your time.
I don't get the whole colon structured sentences. They weren't present in the preceding chapter, so obviously they aren't part of your style. At least that's what I think. And not to mention they're annoying. You use them quite excessively and it gets old quickly. Use commas, periods, whatever, but stop trying to force in colons. Commas could be used in most cases, or use a conjunction or something.
I'm also kind of missing the whole point of this chapter. It's extremely weird and it seems arbitrary. Things just happen randomly and jumble up into a giant chaotic mass of action and blood, and maybe a Pokemon or two. It doesn't help that it is so short, so it's hard to comprehend and whatnot.
I can't say anymore because my back is starting to hurt from sitting in this chair for so long. Ow. I need a chiropractor or something. Anyway, read over your stuff. Your action is rushed and there isn't a sense of realism at all. It seems too ridiculous, even for a Pokemon fic. I'll keep following to see how you progress, so keep trying to improve.
Joined May 2011
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