Thread: [Pokémon] Pokemon Central (PG-15)
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Old March 19th, 2012, 09:14 PM
DarkIceForever's Avatar
DarkIceForever
Booted out - don't be like me!
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: California
Gender: Female
Nature: Adamant
Choo Choo! All aboard the champion fic! Sorry I always need to find a way to entertain myself when I write review/advice or whatever you want to call it. Anyways without...ah forget it..

Sooooo,

I feel there is something I need to get off my chest. A lot of inexperienced writers (like me) tend to make their characters the "most powerful in the world"

This bit right here honestly almost made me click the back button.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fixedthe_Fernback View Post
This is it...

Everything I’ve worked for, the only thing I ever really wanted...

I’ve sacrificed everything to be here. My friends, family...

And even her.

I’ve lost so much, put myself through so much.

I have hurt so many people, people that cared about me.

I have no remorse. No regrets. I’ve lost myself.

I can’t live in the past. Only in this one moment.

But...

Despite the decisions I have made, they still stand by me.

I don’t understand their loyalty. I don’t know if it’s naive or admirable.

Either way, they’re here and they aren’t leaving. That’s all that matters.

My Pokemon...the places we’ve been together. So many years, we have travelled.

So many great memories. I can’t focus on those, though...




Man...that’s just like me to be crying at a time like this.

I can hear the roaring crowd.

No more time for this.

Everything I have aspired for, it’s right within my grasp.

Just one more fight.

My only chance for glory. I can’t lose here.

No! Not here! It has all been for this moment!

“Ladies and gentlemen on the Empyreal Islands, it is time for the Global League Championship battle!”.
I think it was a really redundant way to start a story. Making a person already at thier peak of the game is somewhat..repetitive. I'm not sure if this is Lucas (probably not) but If it wasn't then why turn-off you readers like that? It's not that it was badily written, it's because I was fooled into thinking "Oh look another champion fic with a person already in the final round."

I think I speak for some people but we generally like to read about a character's progression, so you'd should have expected somebody else to get turned off.

Anyhow on to Lucas. Now here's the thing that bothered me. Why does Lucas have to be a champion, even if his grandfather and father where champions before him? It's his destiny? He's a legend? Why? T_T.This really made me dislike this character. He seemed egoistic himself or the way you presented him did. He is starting to become gary stu to me. And Gary Stus are always bad.

The next thing is a bit of some logical sense. I'm a logic troll, but in a good way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fixedthe_Fernback View Post
League chairman, Anthony Pierce, who’s own daughter is the most recent trainer to go missing, released the following statement:”

“In response to the disappearances of Neil White, Henry Covell, Alison Pierce and Sarah Carter, the Unova League, in cooperation with the Unova Task Force, has decided to hold off the coming year’s Unova League Tournament until further notice. All local tournaments and gym competitions are here-by cancelled, and we ask all registered trainers return to their homes until the Unova Task Force completes their investigation. We apologize for any inconveniences that arise due to our decision. We have explored many options and this is for the best. We will do whatever is necessary to protect our youth and return the missing trainers to their families. Thank you.”
Why does a chairman have to cancel an entire regional competition? Because his daughter is missing? Because he wants to protect the youth so to speak? I mean you just can't tell hundreds maybe thousands to pack up and go home; there is no pokemon leauge this year. Intresting concept but it wasn't handled correctly. It overall made me think the dude is selfish! He is delaying the dreams of others "just because he cares about the youth's safety." I think it had the opposite effect of making him seem sypathetic. I mean how would football fans react if the NFL commissioner cancelled the whole season because his son/daughter went missing? MLB, NBA..ect

So I guess there is a hole in your story. Lucas can't badge hunt because this selfish chairman cancelled the leauge. Not really a much of a acceptable reason for that.

There are also some sentences that could be worded diffrently to sound smoother.

Like

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fixedthe_Fernback View Post
Lucas rushed down the stairs and into the kitchen. No one was home.
Lucas rushed down stairs, into the kitchen and found nobody home.

And

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fixedthe_Fernback View Post
"Watch your tongue, kid. You might be getting older, but there is always a time and place for that kind of language. This isn’t the time or the place. Anyways, what are you so on edge about?”
Watch your tounge kid. Just because you're getting older doesn't mean you can use that kind of language. There is a time and a place for that, and this isn't the time nor the place. What are you so edged about anyway?

Now there is always a character I seem to pick as a favorite from one of the introduced and I have to say that Nattie is one. She seems pretty grown up and in charge, much more mature than Lucas.

Well and that is all the time I have for today, maybe all week!

PS. I did somewhat rush the review so you might find a couple words misspelled words. I did however get the major points I wanted to get across. I'll be back in the future to check up on it here and there.
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