Thread: [Pokémon] Melly's "Beast"ly Adventure
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Old March 20th, 2012, 02:16 PM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Well, well, well. Well. This is your very first post at PokeCommunity and FF&W! Welcome to our... world?

Okay, festivities aside, I'll start to dissect your piece. One thing that completely jumped out at me was that the character has a high risk of being a Gary Stu/Mary Sue (I can't tell their gender...). The shiny Charmander line? Yeah, awesome, now he/she will get some sick black Charizard. That screams perfect so please be sure not to overdo anything. Having a Gary Stu/Mary Sue character will most likely turn off any potential readers and stop them from reading any further, which is something you don't want. What a Gary Stu/Mary Sue is a character that is basically described as perfect. They have everything going their way, whether it be Pokemon or situations or just extreme luck, they have little to no flaws. Their character is also perfect and everyone likes them and wants to be their friend/worships them/whatever. The character isn't revealed much at all in this short chapter, so I can't necessarily say anything other than the little starter Pokemon dilemma. Also, it's weird that a) the trainer would get a Charmander in Johto because Charmander are native to Kanto, b) Professor Elm is too dimwitted to know that the Charmander was a shiny Pokemon, seeing how valued they are, all different specimens, even if unidentified, would be known to be interesting because they contrast starkly to others of its species. Just a few things you might want to take into consideration, since those don't fit along the lines of the Pokemon world at all. What's weirder is that the Charmander breeder or wherever it came from to Professor Elm to maybe the other trainers choosing starter Pokemon, no one recognized how special it was due to its odd coloring.

There are a few parts of your story that conflict with logic in general. I understand that you're going in the context of the games, however, it's hard to conceive when written down into a story format so some things just don't make sense. Here are a few instances:

Quote:
Originally Posted by blaszinski View Post
I used my last potion on Beast during our previous battle against a particularly brutal Onix.
There is an Onix in the cave. The trainer is hungry, thirsty, and probably weary, so seeing a monstrous Pokemon rushing towards you in the middle of a cave, what would you do? Run away. Or, if it's not rushing towards you but simply sleeping on the ground, I think waking it up would be the last thing you want. In the games, yeah, you might battle it with your scrawny Charmeleon. But realistically, you'd run away as far as you can. It's huge. Forget fainting your Pokemon, it would kill it by sitting on it. This is well portrayed in a few instances in the anime, mainly the Celebi movie if you recall. A dark Tyranitar, which means that it's completely evil and obedient to evil do-ers and is also extra powerful, had trouble against Brock's gigantic Onix. So a Charmeleon against one? Good luck. This is probably being excessively picky because you're writing in the context of the games, but it's a good thing to think about.

Quote:
Originally Posted by blaszinski View Post
As soon as he was out of, what I can only assume is very cramped, pokéball he stretched his legs and slowly walked over to me with a smirk spread across his mischievous face.
I imagined that Pokemon turn into some weird mass of cool lasers and a mass of... gelatin when they're sucked into a Poke Ball. I didn't think they would be literally cramped up inside, if at all. The Pokemon Special Manga does explain this a bit, as the Pokemon are simply minimized when inside a Poke Ball and are apparently not uncomfortable at all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by blaszinski View Post
Ever since I caught her on Route 29, she was a very playful, loving Hoothoot and was very willing to join Beast and I on our journey.
Take out "Beast" and say the sentence, "...willing to join I." Does that make much sense? I is used as a subject of a sentence. In this case, you want to use "me" because it would serve as the direct object. So change I to me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by blaszinski View Post
Leaning over violet, holding her in my arms, I explained to her that Beast was simply joking around and has yet to realize that he is actually hurting her.
Violet needs to be capitalized here.

Quote:
Originally Posted by blaszinski View Post
I then took out two repels and sprayed down myself and Beast.
I always thought one repel was enough, since if one person wards Pokemon off, I'd assume the other would be safe in their presence.

Anyway, that's all for specifics. There are a few grammar/mechanical errors, so you might want to proofread before you post so that the errors don't get in the way of the readers' enjoyment. If you don't think you're good enough to find them yourself, get a beta-reader. We have a wonderful, though inactive, beta-reader lounge, which you can check out at the Writer's Lounge.

And I was lucky that I was grabbing that link because I totally just saw you post two chapters in a different thread. Put your chapters in the same thread so readers don't have to go hunt for the next one.

Also, the plot wasn't revealed much at all in this fic so I'm curious as to what is happening, but the problem is, there's nothing as of yet. It's not a prologue, so I believe you should give some general idea to readers so that they know what they're reading.

That's all I really have time for, so I'll hope you take this advice seriously and read through it carefully and keep on striving to improve!
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