Thread: [Pokémon] Melly's "Beast"ly Adventure
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Old March 21st, 2012 (6:15 PM).
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psyanic psyanic is offline
There's Something About Lamps
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 19
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Posts: 1,283
Whoa. Five chapters in the span of two days? I'll advise you right now, before you go any further, read over your work and proofread. That's an underrated thing most new writers tend to ignore for whatever reason. Take your time writing and proofreading. You'll catch your mistakes. I know you're not proofreading that closely since you're still spelling Falkner as "Faulkner." Seriously, take your time and write slowly so your outcome is greater quality. I highly suggest that you take at least a day or two in between writing chapters before you start proofreading. Write a chapter, ignore that chapter for a day, and then read it. That way, your mind is clean and you won't remember too much about it so that your opinion is objective.

The formatting got whacky in this chapter, which I'm assuming is chapter five. Yes, you should have a space between your lines like you've done with your previous chapters; they were fine. This one got a bit hard to read because all the words were jumbled up.

I can say, however, that you have improved a bit. There are still a few quirks here and there, which I'll be sure to tell you later on, but at least the character isn't a Mary Sue and they're kinda likable. I say kinda because they were a bit angsty with the Violet scene. There isn't much description put into that scene. Or any kind of real build up so that readers can get some kind of emotion. First, we don't have much connection at all with Violet nor do we know her personality all that well. Secondly, it just seemed random that she wouldn't like a new member of the team. I think that's more of her personality, I suppose, but still, come on, Violet. There's more to Melly's personality which I would really like to know more about, other than that she's weak both mentally and physically apparently. But you did do a better drop portraying her as a character; it just needs to be a tad more realistic. As for the whole Violet leaving scene, I wanted to see more. Just anything, more word space, something so that readers know that this scene is important to both of the characters' developments. Try adding in details, those always tend to help out. Describe more instead of saying, "I was sad to see her fly away." It really left me wanting more out of it. It has a lot of potential, you just have to bring it out. So taking a bit of time to read it over will solve that problem.

Also, the same applies to catching Fluffy and her evolving. I don't mind that she evolved so quickly, mainly because I just flat out don't care... It's never bothered me, though evolution tends to be a big event in the world of Pokemon, like a Bar Mitzvah for Jewish teens. It should be well built up and described since it's important. And you should note that you really want to pace your story out. A lot has happened and Melly hasn't even battled Falkner, so there's a lot of interesting things happening, but I think it would help if you kept your pace down a bit and explicated a few things more.

Also, I don't know why you didn't just combine all your chapters into a single chapter. There are about five relatively short chapters that could be combined into one very enjoyable chapter. That's really personal, but I feel more interested if there's more to read. It also helps with pacing and all, so that will definitely benefit you in the long run. And it should help you in the long run, if you choose to continue writing. Getting used to writing longer and longer chapters is just a good quality to have.

And I'm wondering why you'd want to stop writing. I mean, if it's just a personal thing and you realized that you don't want to write, by all means, go ahead. I don't want to stop you from doing what you want. It's your choice really. But if your reasoning is that you're not getting comments like, "Wow this is the best thing I ever read, can you write more?" or "It was good.", then why would you stop? Personally, I find negatively oriented feedback more useful than positive ones. Positive feedback tells you what you're good at, why they liked it, and that's it. It doesn't tell you something you should be working on, even if it's a glaring problem. Seriously, think about it. If we always lied to people telling them everything they did was perfect, where would we be right now? Going nowhere. As a writer, you have to learn to embrace all kinds of feedback and realize that people are just trying to help you. They want to pass on what they learned and they want to make sure you don't make the same mistakes they did, or what other writers do. Understand that then you can decide whether you want to stop or not.

Originally Posted by blaszinski View Post
What can I say? I am a girl, and I have no upper body strength.
On a lighter note, I loved this part. It was hilarious, even though it was extremely sexist and probably offends the Olympic women who compete in weight lifting or something. Either way, I had a good laugh. I don't think most people will embrace it like I have. Then again, those jokes are funny. Let's end women suffrage!

I hope you read every little word in my review. No, really, I care. I care a lot. I hate to see writers drop out at the first sign of trouble, and I know that you can make this story fantastic. The only thing you need is the desire to. If you have the right mindset and the work ethic, I know you can. I'll keep my eye on this to see how you fare.
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