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April 5th, 2012 (11:49 PM).
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
On top of that, I would suggest splitting it up even further - have a line of spacing between each new paragraph or each time someone different begin to speak. That was it's easier for people to read. Along with that, I'd also recommend using the default font and text colour and size. Some forum skins won't look good with specific colours (e.g. darker or green/blue skins). After all it's all about presentation (which is all the more important when the story is being read on a computer screen) - if your story is hard to read for someone they'll be less inclined to read when there are others that don't hurt their eyes.
With the story, it's not a bad start imo. I'm curious to see how the baby Cyndaquil grows up without its real parents but via adoption instead.
There is something I'd like to bring up about dialogue:
"Its a boy! What should we name him?" She asked, looking over at Tamaska.
As the part after the dialogue tells us who said it/how it was said and flows on from the dialogue, you should treat the two parts as one sentence rather than two (after all 'She asked, looking over at Tamaska' also doesn't really sound right if it was its own sentence). Hence rather than 'She asked', it should be 'she asked' - remove the capital, for having a capital in the middle of a sentence Is odd (like so). [Side note: you also want "It's" (It is) rather than "Its" (possessive, eg it was its ball) at the beginning there).
Taking another example:
"Let's go." Twist said, dashing and Rin following.
The same applies here - 'Twist said, dashing and Rin following' doesn't work as its own sentence so you should treat it as one with the dialogue, and hence write it as:
Let's go," Twist said, dashing with Rin following.
Note here what changed was the full stop into a comma. You can use other things like ! or ? to finish the dialogue if the sentence continues after it, but only use a full stop if the sentence ends with the dialogue ending (e.g "Let's go." Twist then dashed ahead.)
Make sure to spend a bit of time proofreading the story as well as there were some mistakes here and there (besides the Its/It's confusion there's other stuff such as 'Of course it is is' in the second line, other missing apostrophes (There's rather than Theres), and so forth. Cleaning up those errors improves the story as mistakes can distract the reader.
Hope that helps, and good luck with your story!
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