Aaron's(That's Me) Adventures In Unova!!
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April 6th, 2012 (8:18 PM).
Join Date: May 2006
Welcome not only to PC, but also to FF&W! I'm glad that you decided to post your story here, and that you want feedback. As a welcoming to you, I'll review your story and offer some advice.
First, for your title, you shouldn't admit that you inserted yourself into the story. You can base a character on you, but you shouldn't draw attention to it. That's rather frowned upon in this fandom, and you'll find that people will be turned off from your admittance of self-insertion right at the title.
As for your story itself, I'm going to admit that this was very very rushed. I had so many questions when I finished reading this, and that's not a good thing when your readers are confused by a lack of information. (Unless you have a need to keep information hidden.)
- Why is Aaron traveling to Unova on a plane to be a new trainer? It's fine if you want him to travel through Unova, but why not have him live in that region in the first place? There's no reason for him to live in a different region and then travel to another as a starting trainer. (Especially since his mother is one of Juniper's assistants. Why don't they live in the same town as Juniper then?)
“ Go Grovyle! Use Quick Attack to chase down Lillipup.” Yelled Aaron. Grovyle ran off after Lillipup.
Where did Aaron get a Grovyle? Don't you mean Snivy? And even then, he hasn't gotten his Pokemon yet.
It's things like this that pull a reader out of the story. When you're ready to post what you've written, read it over to catch things like this. While you might know the reasons for what happens, it's best not to leave readers completely in the dark.
Your grammar also could use some checking over.
-You start a new paragraph when someone speaks:
“Mom I’m leaving now!!” Aaron screamed from downstairs.
“Coming Aaron!” screamed
. “ Give me a hug
Aaron.” Mom gave Aaron a big squeeze.
“M- Mo- MOM!! I need to go.”
The words and punctuation in bold are corrections. When used in place of her name, "Mom" is capitalized. A comma is needed before "Aaron" in that sentence because he's being addressed.
“ Don’t worry. I’ll get Lillipup back for you- I don’t know your name
” said Aaron.
A comma is needed here because "said Aaron" is a dialogue tag. You're explaining in narration how the dialogue was spoken, so it's part of the same sentence.
“ Go Grovyle! Use Quick Attack to chase down Lillipup
Just like here, "yelled" needs to be in lower-case because it's a dialogue tag. (I also added an exclamation mark instead of a comma because Aaron is yelling.)
It's little things like this, and any typos (like when you missed capitalizing "Juniper"), that you should watch out for before posting your story. If you'd like help with this, you can post in the
to see if anyone would be willing to look over your chapters.
Good luck! I look forward to seeing more of your story!
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