Ransei returns! (PG 13)
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April 26th, 2012, 08:57 PM
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
I only have time to review the first chapter right now. I'll preface this now by saying that I haven't played the game this is based on, and so I only have very limited knowledge.
It's been a while since the black dragon was last seen in the Dragon Nation, civilians all around Ransei say that Nobunaga left from Ransei in the moment he was defeated by that pair of youngsters who led a huge army, and now, both Pokemon and their Warriors coexist in perfect harmony.
Deep in the Aurora Forest, behind the light that was filtering through the dense trees, there he was, alone, scared, without any protection, exposed to being hurt by the untamed Pokemon, his name was Josefu, his mother just died of an unknown dicease, and his father disappeared a couple of days before he was born.
One problem that I noticed is that your sentences are rather long. These are only two sentences when they could be many. Like in the second paragraph, "His name is Josefu" could be it's own sentence, and the next part about his parents could be a sentence. That way, it's not all just in one.
That seems to be your biggest problem here. The sentences are too long, too full of information without a break between to let the reader pause.
Aside from that, you have a few typos:
He didn't cared
didn't care about anything that wasn't exiting
And you're missing your punctuation before you closing quotation marks in your dialogue. You need commas before the last quotation mark set if you're using a dialogue tag. I'll show you an example.
"This is boring, for a change
" said Yurika in a sarcastic tone.
You can see the comma in bold that I added. You'll need punctuation like that for the rest of your dialogue.
There's also times where you use the present tense when you should use the past tense. Since you're mostly writing in the past tense, make sure all your tense occurrences agree.
Other than that, this seems like a good start. Personally, I would like to see more description in general, like of where the characters are and what they're feeling. Also, maybe include more backstory of the characters or world, to show how it changed compared to how it was in the games. Set up the world more.
I hope this helps! Feel free to ask any questions or clarification about anything. I hope to see more of your story. Good luck!
Last edited by Astinus; April 26th, 2012 at
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