Like Night and Day
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May 5th, 2012 (2:44 PM).
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Hiya, welcome to the world of fanfiction! And also FF&W! Writing is tough for new authors, but I think you have a solid foundation to begin with.
However, the chapter was a bit rushed. The actual reunion between Lucille and Dr. Manevo was less emotional than I would have expected. You did write in their reactions and such, but I just didn't think it was enough. For significant scenes, such as this one, you want to have more words. When readers see a massive collection of words forming a giant paragraph, they'd know that this part is important and they should really snap to attention. More words would also help with the pacing, since I thought the scene itself was rushed. They hug, cry a bit, and walk out of the bank. You might want to write in more of their thoughts, especially Lucille's and her father's. Simply put, thoughts would help give the characters more personalities as well as building up the scene to make it seem more significant to readers. I kind of believe the whole chapter should have hinged on this meeting, and there could have been more done to build up to that moment. Maybe some dialogue between the three as they walked to the bank, like asking Lucille how excited she is to meet her father for the first time in years. Or--like I said before--characterize Lucille more as well as building up the scene with her thoughts.
Okay, that out of the way, I want to point out a few nitpicks:
Originally Posted by
still more life to be shaken out.
The 'is' in this sentence should be 'was' because the story is in the past-tense, and you should be consistent with it.
Originally Posted by
Our tale begins . . .
I don't really like these words when starting out a story. It does feel like the narrator is literally talking to you, but it stops the flow of the story in a sense. A flow of the story would basically be when people read and don't even realize they're reading something because of how well the words are written and such. It's almost like a dream, if that makes sense, because in a dream, you don't even realize you're dreaming until you wake up. Writers want to do the same thing, conceptually, anyway. But using these words is like waking readers up. A substitute would be jumping straight into the story, like immediately starting with Larry Spinda walking with Lucille Manevo. After that, you could begin to describe him and Lucille.
The next part begins to describe the characters, physically. I don't usually like reading those descriptions because they're not really important, except by identifying characters as a specific Pokemon. But they don't support much else, which is why I don't particularly like them. Personal descriptions should be kept to a minimum, because you remember characters through their
, not through their sexy lips or whatever. You want readers to remember your characters, but by dumping every little detail of what they're wearing and what color their fur is is a bit excessive. This is like the same thing as the dream metaphor. Readers should have the freedom to imagine what characters look like, but you want to give some descriptions so that they have a general idea on where they should start imagining. And besides, even physical descriptions should attribute to each characters' personalities as well. Take this for example:
A. John was tall with long blonde hair.
B. John turned away, hiding his third ear in the depths of his hood.
For the first sentence, it's simply a bland description about what John looks like. Nothing else happens with John, because he's not doing anything interesting at all, other than looking pretty of course. The second sentence, however, contrasts by doing three things:
1. There is an action in the sentence. Putting in actions with descriptions helps the story move on, as you don't have to stop to describe characters. You're making them move
describing how they look.
2. There is a physical description mixed in, which is his third ear. Describe the stuff that is memorable and important. What's memorable and important you might ask? Anything that is completely different, or at least different from other characters, is what's interesting and outlandish. This makes the characters memorable as well. Obviously, you'd remember John because he's the guy with the third ear, and not another blonde guy.
3. The most important part about this sentence is that John's character is described as well. By reading this sentence, we know John is self-conscious about his third ear.
Originally Posted by
"Dr. Manevo! As promised your lovely daughter has come to spirit you away to
Guild! Come and greet her!"
I think you just missed this, but 'Wigglytuffs' needs to be a possessive noun, so it would be 'Wigglytuff's'.
Originally Posted by
"It's good to see you too dad," whispered Lucille, who was visibly crying . . .
I would have thought Lucille would have fumbled her words around as her father did, since she is crying. It sounds a bit too casual as well, like I mentioned before.
Alright, that aside, I have to say I really like your writing style. I found the narrative to be engaging and it helped me pay attention somehow. It's a good start by introducing Lucille's father, who sounds like an interesting character seeing that he was gone for years for some reason unknown. But you did do a nice job characterizing Mr. Duskull, and I'll give you props for that. You built on a post game and gives out a sense of hope with the final sentence, which is probably not going to be true since all stories have some sort of conflict. Oh their journey doesn't end yet, does it?
The only kinks are what I've mentioned above. Remember to effectively build up those emotional scenes and keep descriptions down. There wasn't too much characterization on the protagonists so far, but I suppose I'll have to keep reading to find out more about them.
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