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Old May 20th, 2012, 05:16 AM
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bobandbill
Where's that sheep...
 
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It's an interesting story, although I will agree that it seemed to be hinted at a bit too much earlier in the story, but more so one of my qualms was that it felt a bit rushed at the end. It seemed to be building nicely to a climax when they showed that Team Rocket members were up to no good and she had to go back and warn the townfolk, but then only a few lines later it had been resolved. Some expansion around there showing how Tiffany felt have helped, I feel.

You had some nice description, particularly in the early parts of the story, and the character interactions were decent too - I'd just suggest trying to show more of the protagonists thoughts and conveying those emotions through, or rather try to engage the reader more through that.


Quote:
She took the Pokeball put on the table and rushed to the main door.
Sometimes sentences seem to have some details that seem unnecessary - for instance here the wording of the fact the Pokeball was put on the table sounds odd.
Quote:
She stopped immediately avoiding tripping against the stick. Holding the stick with her right hand was a short old woman, "And where do you think you are going?"
The first sentence here also sounds a bit awkward, and could use some rewording. Reading out aloud I find helps with checking if something sounds right or not.

I also feel it'd be better to have a full stop after 'woman' there.
Quote:
"I am just going to Rita's." She lied.
Sometimes 'she lied' can work as a sentence by itself, but here it flows on from the dialogue - it tells us who said it and also how it was said (lied). Hence you should treat the whole line there as one sentence rather than two, and make 'She' to she, and the full stop to a comma. Ie:
Quote:
"I am just going to Rita's," she lied.
It's fine to end dialogue with say an exclamation mark or question mark if the sentence continues after the dialogue; just not with full stops. So for instance:
Quote:
"Is he foolish?" The old woman yelled.
'The' should be 'the' (as you wouldn't have a capital in the middle Of a sentence, like so).
If you want me to explain more about that I can - just ask.
Quote:
Indeed. What the heck was he thinking? Tiffany wondered.
Presentation thing but I find that putting thoughts in italics or 'thoughts here' or something makes it clearer to the reader straightaway that they are thinking that part.
Quote:
The route has been abandoned by the people of Kanto for ages, even the bravest trainers walk away not just because of fear but because of the deep fog in which it was not safe to travel at all.
Watch out for run-on sentences - I'd suggest splitting it up around '...for ages/even the bravest...' into two sentences. Also watch your tenses - previously you had past (lied, wondered) and here present (walk away rather than walked).
Quote:
The next day the Rapidash returned back alone with its trainer missing, the flames on the Pokémon died out as soon as it reached the village.
Same here with the run-on sentence. Ideally only use a comma to split up adjectives, a list, pauses in dialogue or before one of the fanboys - for and nor but or yet so. (There are other cases but those are the usual ones). Here it doesn't work in joining the two parts of the sentence here; the pause comes off as odd (again, reading aloud should help in showing that). Try a new sentence and/or some rewording instead.
Quote:
The Dodrio got slower as its line of vision got thinner and thinner until it finally stopped. That is when Tiffany noticed that they were at least twelve kilometers deep inside. The thick blanket of fog frightened her, she felt like someone was going to suddenly appear and grab her.
The last sentence also has an oddly-used comma there. I also feel that mentioning twelve kilometers is rather arbitrary and question why that's mentioned, as well as how she knew that fact to begin with.

In general, it's a nice story. I'd suggest paying more attention to what facts you include though; try to avoid unnecessary details and watch for how you word some sentences too, so to improve the execution of it.


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