The Battle of Light and Dark
View Single Post
May 22nd, 2012, 02:35 AM
Join Date: May 2012
Originally Posted by
Well, interesting concept. Even I have wanted to write a story on B2W2. First of all
I know c/p from MSWord leaves things like that, but you need to put an extra space after each paragraph. It is kinda annoying to put a space after each line, but doing so will make your story attractive and readable.
As for the story, so you have made the mysterious object on the Shadow Triad's hand a whistle :P
I presume it is for waking Kyurem or something eh?
Anyway you have done the describing the character part well. But the description was well physical, you explained how they look and all from the cap to the snickers but you did not add any character to them.
When a story progresses a character faces many situations and interacts with other characters, and each person has a way to interact with them, a way in which they think about the other person. The difference is what makes your character unique.
I mean explain their thinking process, they are about to get their first Pokemon, so they are excited about it right?
And also when shadow triad snatched the whistle from Hilbert and N, how exactly did they react(other than the verbal reaction), I think it gives a better understanding and dips you more into the story.
When Bianca gave them the Pokemon you could have added her characteristic clumsiness or something...well what I want to say is add color to your character( not the physical color).
Over all: Good Concept, good plot(till now atleast :P) just a little work on the characters and you are set. Oh and I didn't point out any grammatical errors because...I suck at grammar and I rely solely on MSWord for my grammar so I can't comment about it right?
Thank you very much for your input, Dracoflare. Usually, I just write it, but unless I get someone to critique it, I sometimes make mistakes. Anywho, I've revised them and want to let you know that I'm going to post the next chapter soon.
View Public Profile
Send a private message to pokelvr59
Find all posts by pokelvr59
Find threads started by pokelvr59
Ignore Posts by pokelvr59