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May 25th, 2012, 05:34 PM
The Drill Pokémon
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
You have really improved in your writing over the past...
been nearly two years.
But seriously, the problems that you had with the telling instead of the showing are gone. I love the fact that Ross's thoughts are put in through the chapter, giving us more insight on his character despite the fact that he doesn't talk much. It's also a treat to see this from his point-of-view as the "lone wolf", as compared to Jacob's being the leader.
Plus, Tatiana and Michael (interesting name choice given the prescience of Angemon) are shaping up to be interesting kids. I'm wondering if you're going to go the typical route of having Digimon partners, or if your fic's "Chosen Children" are just soldiers in the war.
Your Digimon characterization is fine. Agumon's feelings towards BlackAgumon were very apparent. Same with Angemon being the leader. Though I have to say that I like Garurumon's character. Not sure why. I just like him helping to take the humans under his watch and giving them advice.
Let me also compliment you on taking your time setting up the characters instead of rushing to get to the action.
Half a minute of silence passed. Ross couldn’t tell if Joanie found the silence awkward or not. There were no visual cues to pick up. He wanted to know whether she was looking at the stars or at him, whether she had come out because she couldn’t sleep or because she noticed he was missing. If he had her figured out correctly, she was the sort who upon waking in the middle of the night would take a silent headcount just to make sure everyone was safe. But how could he tell? They had only met the evening before.
His train of thought was interrupted when Joanie spoke again. “I think Tatiana and Michael will do a good job of looking out for the younger ones while we’re gone.”
Small missed spacing issue.
I'm looking forward to more of this, even if it's a wait until the next chapter.
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