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Old June 3rd, 2012 (06:17 PM).
Haruka of Hoenn's Avatar
Haruka of Hoenn Haruka of Hoenn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Yes.
Gender: Female
Nature: Calm
Posts: 287
Hey there! It's nice to see another story from you. I rather like how this turned out, especially after all the changes you've made to the original one-shot. Nice creativity with story-expansion.

Onto the review...

I don't know if I mentioned this for the original one-shot, but I really like your portrayal of the League being a mysterious, possibly corrupt entity. With all the influence they have, it's not hard to imagine them pulling a stunt like this. I feel bad for the girl. (You haven't introduced her name yet, so I'll just go with the flow :P)

The prologue definitely looks better than before. You've made improvements in narrative flow, and I like how you let the girl's personality slip into it at times. Like here:

Quote:
What?! I was the one who took down Team Rocket! And last I checked I wasn’t a boy named Red. Granted, my skirt’s red, but still…
:P


Quote:
So, he sends out his first Pokémon… and I was taken by complete surprise. It turns out he still hasn't evolved that idiot Pikachu!
Unlike in the anime, Pikachus aren't invincible... heh. I also like how you emphasize Red's perplexing silence. Hopefully we'll get to learn more about where that came from.

By the way, great work on expanding the ending. You included an expanded account of her thoughts and emotions upon descending the mountain, which was something I didn't expect you to do, but I really like how it turned out. The ending was effective too.

Quote:
Or so I thought… until I got about halfway down the cave. I just happened to notice some crackling and squealing noises from a cave just a bit off the beaten path. Camera in hand, I went in to investigate, maneuvering over rough, rocky terrain and debris, being careful not to step on and anger the Geodude that are commonplace in these sorts of places. I took one look inside and suddenly the whole game changed. It was no longer an issue of personal pride. Now it was a matter of justice.
I get the picture of her just standing at the foot of the cave with a flashlight in hand (or something else she might have as a source of light) and peering inside. The way you spread the action out looks a lot better, and it reads a lot better too. So overall, it's an improvement. :) Can't wait for more!