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June 5th, 2012, 11:17 AM
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
You edited while I was typing this, but most of it still holds true.
Originally Posted by
To be continued later. Sorry Im in themiddle of chapter 1 but Im really busy expect the rest in a hours time or less.
Section's rules state to not post your chapter until it is complete. There are plenty of word processing programs you can use to write your story with so you can work on it when you have free time. This way, you aren't writing it directly onto the forums, so if you're pulled away from it by something else, you can come back to it and finish the chapter.
I'll also say that you might want to rework your story. For one thing, your grammar needs improvement, and you have typos throughout your story. If you save your story with a word processor, you can check over your story for any mistakes and fix them before anyone else sees them.
Another thing that needs help is the character, Grey. His start to his journey reminds me very strongly of the anime show, where he wakes up late and gets a special Pokemon. But Grey is worse than Ash because while Ash only got one special Pokemon, Grey gets all three starters. What about if Juniper gets more starting trainers? Grey can't be the only starting trainer in the area.
The plot is also moving way too fast. Grey wakes up, gets his Pokemon, and runs into N. You wrote this so quickly that it seems like you forgot Grey is still in his pajamas. He doesn't stop to react to anything, and he doesn't do anything else unless it's a major part of the plot. He doesn't even stop to learn what Pokemon he has so he's not surprised in the middle of battle.
If you take the time to write this, it'll be much better. As I said, use any sort of word processing program so you can take your time writing. Don't rush through the chapters. The quality suffers because of it.
Just thought Id mention that if I dont get enough comments and views Ill only do 5 chapters then stop.
Don't do this either. You shouldn't post just for reviews, or hold your chapters hostage until you get enough reviews/views. Doing that makes it even less likely that anyone will comment.
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