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June 6th, 2012 (4:57 AM).
I'M AN ANGRY SCIENTIST!!
Central Coast - Australia
In general it's better to post new chapters in separate posts rather than edit it into the first.
Secondly, you still haven't done that much proofreading or editing, I feel. The story still moves way too fast and there are simple mistakes in it too. Slow down to edit and take time to fully describe events.
Take this short snippet for instance:
"Aha, a wild Pokemon." said Grey and sent out his Oshawott. Oshawott used Water Gun and a wild Lillipup jumped out, hurt. "Now use Tackle." shouted Grey. Lillipup hurt Oshawott with a Scratch but got knocked out.
Generally battles should be the most exciting part of the fic, or at least up there. After all, it's what the games are all about, and what's not cool about animals with crazy powers battling? However here it comes off as boring as you're just telling us what happens rather than showing us. What did the Lillipup look like for instance, and how did it look hurt? Did it whimper or yelp in pain for instance? How did it use Scratch? How did it get 'knocked out', furthermore, and how did Oshawott react to the Scratch? Consider, basically, how events happen and show it to us rather than telling (e.g. instead of saying 'jumped out, hurt', describe the Lillipup doing something (yelping, licking a wound, etc) without outright saying 'it was hurt').
Consider the plot too - is it that likely that two gym leaders would have been just watching a trainer and be so impressed with it catching a weak Pokemon to give them a rare dragon Pokemon? Such events (and on top of him getting
three rare starter Pokemon
as well) can seem questionable to the reader, and you shouldn't always hand things on a platter to your protagonist. Now, this doesn't mean you
have that happen, but if you keep it then play around with it. Will a dragon Pokemon like that necessarily get on well with a newbie trainer, for instance? But it does seem that too much is going the way of the protagonist atm, and on this:
He gets all 3 because if I gave him say Tepig people would want him to have the others and vice versa. I could simply give him a Patrat but since this is a weak and common pokemon and people would want him to have a starter
...not really. In fact, one can easily argue that a trainer starting with only a Patrat is
. An awful lot of fics start out with the trainer getting a starter or a rare pokemon, etc, so a trainer starting out with a common Pokemon instead is already different from the norm. Don't give them all the Pokemon because someone might have preferred they had Tepig instead either - it's not an important point that should impact on the story.
Lastly - space out things. Use paragraph and have a line of spacing between each one (like this post and Astinus'). That way you don't have a wall of text and your story is easier to read.
But please spend more time on the story - the fact you turned out another chapter a day later and repeating the same mistakes pointed out by Astinus suggests you didn't really listen, and it's not an ideal way to maintain readers in the long run. Quality over frequency of chapters after all, and there's such a thing as too much content too quickly too.
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