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June 7th, 2012 (1:43 AM).
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Striaton City
To be honest, the plot is really of a Generic pokemon trainer. You're writing skill could really use some work!
He ran, still in his PJ's, to Prof. Juniper's lab. "Sorry I'm late." He said. Prof. Juniper gave him a Pokeball. "But, don't I choose?" he asked. Prof. Juniper smiled. Grey opened his Pokeball. It had three Pokeballs in it. Prof. Juniper let him keep all three. He left and started down Route 1. He suddenly got knocked over by a boy with green hair. "I challenge you to a Pokemon battle!" yelled N. Grey pulled out his first Pokemon. It was a Snivy. N sent out his Purrloin.
Just look at this extract from the first chapter. It's like in the first line he's running to professor Juniper's lab and by the third line he has already got his pokemon and then by the eighth line he is already up in his neck in a pokemon battle. What i mean to say is that this is some really poor narration and there are several grammatical errors. You really must slow down. Here are some pointers:
a) You've got to really work on narrating the surroundings and such. Take a good long paragraph to describe the place and things going on around.
b) You've also got to describe the characters feelings and such Simply writing " He ran to prof. Juniper's lab, got 3 pokemon, went to route 1, battled N, almost won, patrat used outrage and Grey lost the battle." doesn't have to be a story, it's more like a newspaper report. You've got to be more imaginative, use new words, describe the feelings etc.
c) You've also not put in a scene where in grey actually meets his pokemon. It's just like he grabbed the 3 pokeballs and ran to route 1 like a thief. He didn't even change his PJs! It's these little ( or in this case, not so little!) details that make a good book, not just the plot.
d) You have got to put in some original writing style, not just a straight out narration. It doesn't really have the "feel" of a story, it feels really empty.
The second chapter is not much better, you've just mixed up some parts of the game and some parts of the anime and made a chapter which is just as bad as the first one. Both the chapters put together would barely be half as big as the opening chapter of a good quality book. A good author will be able to make a first chapter almost five times as big as your first chapter with the same events.
Anyways, I didn't mean to be harsh or rude or anything, I just thought that i could help you to make better fiction in the future!
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