A world of ruin.
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June 13th, 2012, 06:10 AM
Where's that sheep...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Tbh the story feels rather rushed; there's a number of simple errors that a spell/gramma check would have picked up (not to mention a proper proofread) and the story itself moves way too fast.
A few points I'll just mention; how do people feel and react? A lot of the events are just told to us rather than shown and hence it isn't as interesting to read compared to how it could have been. For instance... what makes Adam a jerk? You tell us he is one, but he doesn't do anything in the story so far to support this statement. It just seems that he is another kid with some boring clothing. Another example: how did everyone in the plane feel about the strange events of the plane and landing in a different world? How do they know they entered a strange world, and what does it look like? Why is prof oak in a strange different town to his hometown, and also what happned to the crew once the protagonist when he went out of the plane?
Things like Entei knowing the kid's name and being his Pokemon to use comes off as quite unlikely too. You'd want to consider such things when telling a story to tie up lose ends as if you just tell us these events then it's hard to believe them.
As for instances of mistakes:
I was returning to my New Orleans home after a great vacation. Sitting one row over was my rival Adam
who is real jerk
He had short blond
a skin tone that was several shades lighter
his brown eyes.
He wore blue jeans and a red shirt with brown boots on his feet.
"who was 'a' real jerk", than instead of then, and the comma after 'blond' doesn't fit and it seems a word of few is missing (short blond...?). Also, notice how the description there is listy. We get a lot of infomation that isn't terribly important in one block without learning anything about the character. Try to spread out the description and mix it with events to both convey more information and show us details in an interesting manner without bluntly telling us. For instance, if you say wanted to show he is greedy, you could write how he stuffed some snacks from the kid sitting in front of him into his blue jeans. In one go you tell us his clothing choice there, as well as show us he is greedy and not above stealing food from others. This is also more engaging than 'he wore blue jeans'.
As I sat there, I heard
of the flight attendance say "Attention all passengers, we will be landing in New Orleans shortly. All portable electronic devices must be turned off and put away at this time. Also make sure your trays are in the upright and lock position.
one rather than on, and you're missing a quotation mark at the end.
It's wings were blue and it's tale and continues flame burning on it.
it's means it is, while its is possessive and what you want here. Also, tail rather than tale, and the sentence is confusing to read; again it seems some words are missing (around '...its tail and continues flame burning...' more specifically).
There's more than that but as said it shouldn't be hard to pick up upon then with a spell/grammar checker and a proofread. You could also consider getting a Beta reader from the writer's lounge. The story itself does have potential mind; it's an interesting premise and way to have a kid put into the Pokemon world like that. It just needs some work in execution, both with the mistakes that distract from the story and the description of events and how people act and react to events.
Good luck with the rest of your story!
Sheep in the Big City: General Specific
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