View Single Post
  #17    
Old July 18th, 2012, 01:07 PM
Haruka of Hoenn's Avatar
Haruka of Hoenn
Rolling writer
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Yes.
Gender: Female
Nature: Calm
New chapter!

Let's get straight to it...

Quote:
“No doubt they’re gonna order their agents to watch me. Sorry, son, but you’ll have to bear with this – we need to sneak you out. Tripp and Mercer, go down to the storeroom and get our largest shipping box and a hand truck. Quickly, now! Before they start surveillance on us!”

“Yes, sir!” The two men quickly left the office.

Red’s artificial voice started up. “So you’re sneaking me out inside a shipping box? Clever, but I hope they don’t catch on.”
XD

A shipping box? I find it funny in a sadistic sort of way that Tobias would put his own son in a shipping box. It makes sense in the given situation, but still. I was expecting something more high-class from a guy like Tobias...

Speaking of Tobias & Son, this pair takes some pretty extreme measures... Now they want to kill Lisa too? Sounds like our investigators have quite a case on their hands...

By the way, I liked the little connection you made to Lurking in the Shadows. I enjoy it when authors make references to their other works, especially if the connection is consequential.


Quote:
Lorelei hung up the phone and placed the receiver back on the base. “Okay, I’ve got agents keeping an eye on the Bartles residence and the OTP headquarters. Fortunately Bartles drives a bright red Lamborghini so I don’t think it’ll be too hard to track him. And that car’s his pride and joy; if he suddenly starts driving something like a Hyundai instead, we’ll know something’s up. Now, 00479, did you say you might have a way to get us a witness?”
If he's willing to put his son in a box, then this theory isn't altogether a bad one. I'd expect that Tobias would want to lay low or do something to throw the League investigators off-course.


And ah, the classic bar fight scene. I haven't read this too many times in a fic before, but it seems that no mystery can be solved without throwing a punch or two. But the men in the bar were strangely hostile... I wonder if they're working for Tobias and are somehow in on the fact that Lisa and Leaf are part of an investigation against them. Being (as far as you've revealed) bystanders, though, it's unlikely... but whenever I read mysteries I have a habit of automatically suspecting anyone and everyone.


Quote:
...Speaking of my own Pokémon and giving them more power, do we still have any of those Rare Candies or those Poke-steroids left? I need to pump my Pokémon up even more since I lost to that ***** Leaf.”
POKESTEROIDS! 500 FOOT TALL PIKACHU DESTROYING THE CITY! Is that Red's plan of ultimate destruction? xP

Bad jokes aside, I liked the last scene a lot. The story with the Nidoking is a pretty interesting backstory to Red, and it explains a lot of his eccentricities. But I think it would have been more interesting if you revealed that information gradually using actions and emotions as well as direct revelation, instead of just having Red and his father do a narrative run-through of what happened. Still, I'm left sort of sympathizing with Red... he's beginning to seem more like a victim of circumstance than an innately evil character. Perhaps it was a combination of his father pushing him to become Champion and the unexpected mauling that took that dream away, that made Red the twisted person he is right now. I hope you go into greater detail about this later on, because it definitely has me interested.

I'll be waiting for more!