Thread: [Pokémon] The Unova Journey [PG]
View Single Post
Old July 20th, 2012 (2:46 AM).
bobandbill's Avatar
bobandbill bobandbill is offline
AdministratorPokéCommunity Daily Staff
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
Gender: Male
Nature: Jolly
Posts: 11,986
Also, I do note that the formatting is kind of off, but I don't know how to make it work, as I had to copy and paste this from Google Docs- I apologize in advance.
You could always try copy-pasting to something else inbetween (say notepad/notepad++, some other word processing program, etc) to both remove formatting (fonts, etc - but for that there's also a 'remove text formatting button' in the top left of the reply/post thread box) and maybe also keep in spacing. If not then it really is advisable to do so manually and ensure there's a line of spacing between each paragraph as otherwise it's harder to read.

I did agree with what Slayr231 said for the most part (idk if it's because you're not a fan of Woobat necessarily...) but given bats navigate rather successfully via sound rather than sight the part about Woobat missing felt off. It's the same as Zubat after all, and with both of them nothing was really stated canonically that they miss all the time (in fact with the latter the sound explanation is used too).

I would suggest playing around a bit more with how you start sentences; a bit too often for my liking they started with 'Zach ___'. Try to mix it up as that can start to feel repetitive.
“Woobat, use gust!” The figure said.
Note that if what follows the dialogue tells us who said the dialogue/how it was said you can treat both parts as one full sentence rather than two. (Alternatively consider if it makes sense by itself. 'The figure said.' doesn't sound right as its own sentence). As a result, you should go without the capitalisation in 'The' as it's akin to having a capital in the Middle of a sentence, which is odd. (Like so).
The Aron was still out of it’s pokeball
it's means it is, while its is the possessive term and the one you want here.

Lastly, I'd suggest against doing what they call 'breaking the fourth wall' - that is, inserting comments in the middle of the story (such as you saying 'get the joke?' with your Weezing pun...which is without a h btw). It's unnecessarily and only really serves to disrupt the flow and distract the reader; only really advisable for fics that are mostly comedy.

Besides that, it's not a bad beginning, certainly. Interesting way to start off, and if it's a journey fic too Aron is a not-oft seen Pokemon to go with as well. Just needs some polishing with the above points, and a bit more in the way of showing rather than telling as well. (See what TheRavenousMan said on that; there's various ways to show some more about personality and the such. This would also apply to battles; for instance rather than tell us the Woobat could not handle it anymore, show us something that tells us this fact less bluntly (e.g. does it whimper, fall straight to the ground, etc). It's more interesting to read, easier to visualise and conveys the same information in the end.)

Good luck with the fic!
Reply With Quote