The Hoenn Dragons
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July 22nd, 2012, 02:39 AM
Where's that sheep...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Central Coast - Australia
As requested, a review.
There's still a lot of work to do to make sure that the story makes sense, and although you say you're still doing rewrites I can't say that the 0.5 chapter there answered much more; and furthermore it raised more questions in itself.
A few problems I have is with your characterisation. Oak being snappy and slamming doors and throwing things... just does not sit well with me. He has been established in multiple canons to be a kind and patient man so him acting like that, as well as taking a loss so badly later on, doesn't add up. With fanfiction when you use canon characters the reader has expectations for how they act, what they do, etc, so if they don't act like their established character then there needs to be either a very good explanation for that, or you might as well use your own character instead.
I'm still confused on Chaos - they're an alien of some sort, but besides that I don't know anything about her personality, what she's doing, etc. I'm a bit confused too as to why she had a clothing change in Oak's lab; what purpose does that serve the story? And why does she have a Genesect, a rare event Pokemon? Or Celebi? Sure, they're cool to have, but it's hard to believe that there's this alien as the main character who has multiple legendary Pokemon without any clear reason for what that is so.
It's also a lot of work to do with spelling and grammar. Nearly on every line there's at least one mistake, many of it simple things that would be picked up by spell and grammar checks (they're in word or online as well) which should be the bare minimum done before posting, along with a read-over yourself after writing. Without it though what can be seen include a lack of spaces between words, a lot of it's/its confusion (its is possessive, and it's means it is), and multiple mispellings of the main character's name. Take the time to use spell checks and to proofread before posting as these mistakes are fairly simple to catch and distract from the story.
This may work out, the story's premise, but it would need a lot more work and time. I don't really have much more to add to that besides what Astinus already said about it all. Good luck with the story; take the time with edits and maybe rethink the story and why things happen. If the reader cannot understand why various things are as they are too much then it's just plain hard to believe.
Sheep in the Big City: General Specific
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