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Old July 24th, 2012, 04:01 PM
Kiyoshi the Polar Bear's Avatar
Kiyoshi the Polar Bear
Figuratively Speaking
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: That One Place
Gender: Male
Nature: Quirky
@Kiklion - Well, this is certainly well written! You do a fairly good job at describing him.

There's only one thing, though. Laurence really doesn't have anything special about him.... which isn't like how it sounds. He's just a tad boring. Nothing could really come out of him - sure, we as humans constantly change and grow - but he's, like, bare. I was always waiting for a "but" to come. Like: "he may be such and such in these ways, BUT he's the dovahkiin blahdey blah."

He's kinda plain. I feel like he needs something more about him, more sides to his personality. More juice. People are like boxes, with more than one side. But I feel like Laurence is one, maybe two sides tops? And they aren't that interesting.

Literally everything is fine otherwise. Can you please just.... expand? Make him more interesting?

Also, I noticed an inconsistency.... in his history, it states that he's great at rounding up people for his bar business. But, in his personality, he's more than a little awkward with people? Needs more fluidity.

Just come back to me with your edits if you're still interested. I really, really want to accept you since this was so well written- but my reasons just got in the way. :/
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