The Hoenn Dragons
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August 7th, 2012 (8:21 AM).
Join Date: Jun 2012
OK, two reviews while I was inactive - great. Anyway, Astinus first.
Originally Posted by
First, with the Genesect thing, Chaos found i and caught it. She doesnt know whether it is legendary.
So she just found this one-of-a-kind Pokemon walking around somewhere, caught it somehow, and
try to figure out what it was? Like psyanic said, Genesect is a one-of-a-kind Pokemon. Someone finding it (who didn't work on creating it) would be confused by it and try to find out where it came from and what it does. Or at least trying to figure out where this ancient Pokemon suddenly came from with a super-powered cannon on its back.
Chaos was on Mt. Silver, training her Machamp, when she saw a Pokemon she didn't recognise. Her Machamp attacks it, gets thrown backwards, and Venusaur hits with a Solarbeam. Chaos throws a bunch of Ultra Balls, and catches a new Pokemon! There is no proof that it is legendary.
Well, explaining later is a good idea, because, I don't want to spend chapters inserting useless details and, I don't want to spoil some things for my readers.
Again like psyanic said, if readers are confused about something, it's not a useless detail. Also, if readers get too confused by your story, they'll stop reading completely. You
withhold some information, but you can't keep everything away from your readers and hope they don't notice.
Yes, but most (if not all) of the info is in other stories, and I don't want to spoil them for the reader. I will make an effort to try and include more though.
Out of character Oaks. Well, I like little changes from canon. It is an underlying mystery of vital importance for the first few stories If it's a mystery, have the characters remark on it. Like have someone say "why is Oak acting so completely different?" Have characters react to his change. You can have little changes from canon, but have real good reasons for it. Oak's personality can change if the world he lives in is completely different, or if something happened in his life to change him. But if everything in the world is exactly the same except for your character (who's beginning to sound a little
unbelievable) and Oak's personality (and him being a battler), then it's unexplainable why you did those things, especially if they're treated as normal.
It's canon. The canon world has rules. You can bend the rules within good reason (like an event in Oak's life that changes his personality), but it needs to be explained. With your fic, nothing is. There's a character who's an alien, who catches rare Pokemon without explanation or reason, is chosen by rare Pokemon, stops every crime, and is champion of five regions. Oak's personality is completely changed from how we know him, and he's the strongest trainer in the world, which is another complete change because canon establishes Oak as someone who doesn't battle.
Yes, but in
story, Oak has always been like that, he changes to the Oak he is today soon after Caaos beats him, in another story.
Take the time to explain things. Set up your world, don't confuse your reader.
I will, and thanks for your review.
Wow, ton of information going on here! There isn't room for me anywhere. Ah, I'm going to be brutally honest and I hate being rude, but It seems that your a bit, well, ignorant. You ask for reviews but your not making much improvement at all. (You have a mod and former mod helping you out. Don't be so ambiguous with the whole Genesect thing.)
Um, OK. I'll improve
when I have the time
But in short and I'm going out on a limb here but it seems your story is just plain bad. Now don't take it personally. I'm not here to insult, but honesty is my best policy. Your main character, Chaos, is a Mary-Sue. That means she's almighty and powerful. Which is unrealistic and unheard of. I mean she seems like a god here. That just serves to annoy readers.
Um, well, Chaos worked for it, she didn't go out and randomly find a Master Ball, catch Genesect, and beat up everyone. She went out, with a [spoiler] almost dead Bulbasaur and a few pokeballs] and caught some low level pokemon! [spoiler] she trained and trained before her Bulbasaur evolved, becoming stronger] now thats enough with spoilers.
The next thing that really 'grinds my gears' is that she's the champion of five regions! What? That's just fine for YOUR taste, but not mine, or anyone else for that matter. I don't want to read about an overly powerful character who beats everyone up and has access to some of the poke world's legendary and rare pokemon. You better have a very good explanation for Chaos even having a Genesect. A very good explanation makes doubters like me follow you. Like Psyanic said, Team Plasma argumented that ancient pokemon. So suffice to say is that there is only ONE Genesect. Which means Team Plasma should be questioning how one of thier top secret projects is being used by some random girl or why it's just out in the wild like some Bidoof. (See that's an a example of diving deeper into a event.)
Right, why is everyone going on about past events, they are for other stories! There is chapters on this planned guys, why here?
That's like having some dude use Mewtwo for battles. It's extremely rare and very unheard of, never mind the legend classification. Other than that this story is just plain bad. I absolutely like some of the ideas, but they only work to entertain you and annoy others. If you don't want to sound absurd I suggest you begin doing your homework.
Lets just say, in the games, you can catch Mewtwo. Now, I will tell people,
but in other stories!
And now I'm just repeating what everyone else said...But we are all here to help and express a judgment. Sorry if it was harsh,nothing is ever personal with me, but I guess that's what you call tough love, right?
I will keep an eye on your work and look forward to your improvement.
Well, thanks for your time.
Everyone awaiting a new chapter, I am absurdly busy, and have no working computer, so I
have no idea
when the next chapter will appear, rest assured, however, that I haven't forgotten about my fics, and will get typing as soon as I have a computer.
Proud owner of *Splash* the Magikarp and Gyarados fan club! Proud writer of Grey's Journey, The Hoenn Dragons and Pokemon Diamond Dead fan fictions. Life, don't talk to me aout life.
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