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August 11th, 2012, 05:57 AM
There's Something About Lamps
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
So I'm just dropping by here with a little review...
First of all, your title is incorrectly capitalized as 'adventure' is a noun and is a rather important word in the title.
Second, your story is hard to read because of the formatting and pictures. The pictures are highly distracting, and my mind isn't focused enough to begin with, so taking them out will be better. They don't add anything to the story, so there is practically no point in putting them in there. Another formatting issue is that you use dashes for dialogue, when usually we use quotation marks here. If you have no idea how to properly use quotation marks, I'll provide an example:
"What was that?" Sam asked a bit frightened.
It shouldn't be too hard to figure out. If you still don't understand how to write dialogue with quotations, then you can read a novel that uses them, Google it, or check out the Writer's Resources in the Writer's Lounge of the forum.
And from the looks of things, your story is dialogue heavy, including the battle, which is never a good thing. You need a bit more description in there, or else readers won't be able to tell what's going on. Again, the Writer's Resources thread should help you out tremendously in this aspect.
Other than that, I can't say much as I'm distracted at the moment and can't fully read through your story. But a change of formatting is a necessity at this point. Good luck!
★ Some Stars ★
~ on Chapter Four!
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