Sure, here are a few constructive criticisms.
It seems to be written in more of a journal format than prose; I think perhaps one or the other would work better. Either make it an actual story or in the form of journal entries, otherwise it's more like you're recounting it to someone than a form of fiction.
Watch out for minor grammatical errors. They're easy to make, but that's what we have proofreading for. Keep an eye out for punctuation, usage of apostrophes and commas, maintaining past tense throughout the story, that sort of thing; it'll make a big difference.
You've got some good ideas going on there, but to really make them shine, you need to make sure everything else looks good as well. Those sorts of mistakes can distract from the rest of the story, so you'll want to make sure everything is as error-free as you can make it. I'd suggest running parts of it by some friends, as long as they know you want them to be as critical as possible; we learn more from our mistakes than our successes.
I think if you focus on these, you can make something really great. As I said, I've enjoyed what I read, but these are things you can work on improving to make it as good as possible.
Hope that's of help.