ChainThread: Pokemon adventure
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August 30th, 2012 (12:44 PM).
I don't know what you're trying to do with this story, unless you're asking the questions for the readers to begin with, in which case I'm iffy on whether or not this is plausible, because the questions you pose clearly mean you know that there are a few problems with the story, but you have intentionally left them there. How peculiar.
In any case, I also find it extremely odd that a lot of people would show up for a single Pokemon, because healing Pokemon must be an every-day sort of thing and pretty damn common. So remind me why they all want one little Pokemon? It's just a single Pokemon in a world where there are Pokemon everywhere. Besides, you can get starter Pokemon in a lab or grab a PokeBall and walk in the woods or something for a bit and see a Pidgey or a Rattata or whatever you might find. The point being is that it's weird for that many people to try to get a single Pokemon the Pokemon Center healed. And it's not really the Pokemon Center's right to give away Pokemon so easily, because if the Pokemon was endangered or something, then it would make more sense to release it back into the wild. It got injured, so they healed it. It's as simple as that. If the Pokemon didn't want to be with a trainer, well, I'm pretty sure they would respect its right, because Nurse Joys are sympathetic. Generally speaking, anyway.
I burst with excitement, it would be my first pokemon ever!
This is a comma splice, which means it separates two independent clauses. Replace the comma with either a semi-colon or a period.
I made sure to stop by the store and buy a whole bunch of pokeblocks, I had no idea what kind to get so I got two of each!.
Another comma splice along with a weird period at the end of the exclamation point. Also, I don't know why you'd buy that many PokeBlocks because they're not the only source of food for Pokemon if that's what you were going for. There are berries and Pokemon feed.
Running through the street with this bag of blocks was so awkward,
but I could see the red roof!
The bolded is a weird thought. Maybe some other sort of emotion would fit better here rather than describing what the narrator sees.
There was an
yelling through a microphone on a podium "Please, please try to stay organized, all of you can not adopt one pokemon!"
Officier isn't capitalized because it isn't used a name. Also, you need a comma after 'podium' because 'yelling' counts as a speech tag.
I sighed, it was probably first come- first serve,
Period at the end of the sentence. Hyphen isn't used here; you use a comma instead. At least that's how I'm used to seeing first come, first serve.
Around a third of the croud left, still a good 16 other trainers.
Sixteen and numbers that aren't long when written out should be written out rather than written as numbers. Generally, the rule is up to twenty, but it's your preference. Here, I would write out sixteen.
The story itself is a bit odd, considering very little was dedicated to thoughts of any sort while the descriptions were also lacking. The very few thoughts imported were disjointed and didn't make too much sense with the context. Actually, most of the story was disjointed. A lot of things just sort of happened, while I mentioned the Pokemon up for adoption thing.
Not sure where you're going with this either. I don't get why you're posing questions, which should be answered rather than you asking readers.
★ Some Stars ★
~ on Chapter Four!
Joined May 2011
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