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Old September 1st, 2012 (08:02 PM).
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psyanic psyanic is offline
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 19
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Posts: 1,283
This is actually a very intriguing story about a break in for the PC. It's a nice twist on most stories I've heard of. However, there are a few things I'd like to address:

Quote:
“Only 3 more Safari Balls left!” said the Safari Zone guide.
“I know that.” said Andrew.
The formatting for dialogue is a bit wacky. It should be spaced out like all your other paragraphs, like this:
Quote:
“Only 3 more Safari Balls left!” said the Safari Zone guide.
space here
“I know that.” said Andrew.
There should be an extra space. This keeps the formatting nice and consistent.

Quote:
It was Andrew’s little “vacation” from work, back in Castelia City, in the Unova region.
You don't need commas before 'back' or 'in.' Also, this got a bit confusing, since I wondered where Andrew is vacationing. It's confusing. Besides, vacation would already say that he's away from work, so it would be clearer to say he's vacationing away from Castelia City.

Quote:
He was almost in his 40’s, and he planned to catch more Pokémon from the Safari Zone for his son, Warner.
Can't remember the rule about the numbers, but I'm pretty sure it's 40s for distinguishing age. Correct me if I'm wrong on that, because if you type out a decade, then it's 1940s. Anyway, I'm wondering why he's catching Pokemon for his son when his son is a trainer. Any decent trainer should be able to catch their own Pokemon to my understanding. It kind of defeats the purpose as a trainer when someone hands you Pokemon all the time.

Quote:
Andrew was not so enthusiastic about visiting the Kanto region, but he knew Warner had stored many Pokémon in Bill’s PC including a shiny Staryu.
The bolded bit leads me to believe Andrew is only there for his son, even though he's not with him. I find that a little weird. And I'm not keen on the relevance of the shiny Staryu, because it sounds so odd being in there. It's just a Pokemon. It's not central to the story (as of yet), so why bother mentioning it? Why continue mentioning it? It's not worth that much merit, to be honest. And it also makes Warner seem like a Gary Stu, which is any character that has very little to no flaws along with a 'perfect life.' Be careful with Warner.

Quote:
He wanted to catch as many Pokémon as possible, and deposit them all in his son’s PC. He might get a surprise the next time he accesses it in Kanto.
The second sentence uses the pronoun, but it gets confusing since I'm sure you meant Warner, but it sounds like the pronoun is used for Andrew instead. Don't use pronouns if you're changing subjects.

Quote:
Andrew wanted to then throw off his shirt and relax near the sea.
I thought this sentence was a bit awkward. Specifically, I think placing 'then' at the beginning of the sentence would sound beter.

Quote:
He was wearing a tropical, beach-like T-shirt, safari pants and fancy boots, making him look like a complete idiot. But Andrew had his own styles of fashion.
Style, I believe. Also, what Andrew wears is of no importance to the story. Character appearances rarely mean anything to the story, unless it centralizes around aliens or racism or anything related. What readers should recognize is Andrew's significance as a character, not his clothes. I'll remember Andrew as 'Warner's father' rather than 'that tacky guy.'

Quote:
“The more you look different, the better you are.” he used to say.
You use a comma within quotation marks when it precedes a speech tag, which is the case here. Replace the period with a comma.

Quote:
Suddenly, something popped out of the grass. It was wild Chansey, looking rather alarmed to know that someone was nearby.
Situations like these call for more description. There should be some tension or surprise here, but none of this is shown. Actually, it's just blatantly stated that a Chansey popped up. It doesn't sound special.

Quote:
“A wild Chansey.” breathed Andrew.
Erm, breathed isn't exactly a speech tag, so it's not the best word to use. Actually, I don't think Andrew would want to say anything at all because he is trying to catch a Chansey without startling it. And the Safari Guide should have shut up as well. Yelling would only scare it off.

Quote:
He had heard news that people use mischievous tricks to catch Pokémon including physically catching them and then throwing Safari Balls.
'News' isn't needed in this sentence; it sounds a bit off when it's in there. Also, physically catching Pokemon is insane for practically everyone unless you're Bruno or the Hulk. Pokemon could kill you, so I hope people are pouncing on Magikarp and not Nidoking.

Quote:
He ran after Chansey, throwing another Safari Ball in the vain attempt to catch it.
Being picky with the article here, but 'a' sounds much more fitting than 'the.'

Quote:
“You won’t get away from me, Chansey!” promised Andrew.
Promised doesn't fit as a speech tag.

I've noticed that you tend to avoid using 'said' as a speech tag like the plague, which is not a good thing. As a matter of fact, you should be using that the most often. Why? Because it's a common word and doesn't jump out of the page as 'promised' does. I would highly recommend using said more often while avoiding alternate speech tags. Not using said becomes noticeable, and that's not exactly something you want readers to be taking notice of. So try to use said more often with dialogue.

Quote:
Why, he was a Pokémon researcher working for the world famous “PokéShon” company, who researched Pokémon history and existence.
'Why' just sounds out of place in context with the rest of the prose. It doesn't sound consistent.

You don't use 'who' because a company isn't a person. (Disregard the fact that American corporations are treated as individuals in regards to law.)

Quote:
How to chase a Pokémon wasn’t exactly on the list for job priorities in his contract.
Job priorities? Maybe every day tasks or on the job tasks, even job transcript sounds better than 'priorities.'

Quote:
He was getting tired now. He decided to catch the Chansey using his strength. He leaped and caught the Chansey’s leg, seconds before using the last Safari Ball on it.
This had very little tension or description in it. Also, avoid using sentences starting with the same word. In this case, 'he' is used for three consecutive sentences. Mix it up a bit, otherwise you might get caught in writing the same type of sentences over and over, and that's not a good habit. Anyway, you need more description for an event like this, because this entire prologue hinges around the fact that Andrew caught a Chansey. The purpose becomes moot when you treat it like nothing.

Quote:
The Chansey came out caught.
The Chansey wouldn't come out if it was caught. It would stick in the ball.

Quote:
“Yes!” gasped Andrew.
Gasped is not a speech tag in this case. And I'd imagine Andrew breathing heavily, possibly wheezing, considering he's not used to extensive physical activity.

Quote:
“Congratulations, sir,” gasped the Safari Zone Guide, who apparently wasn’t a good runner either, “But you must release the Chansey.”
Period after 'either' not a comma.

Quote:
Andrew quickly got up and enquired, “Why?”
Enquired jumps out of the page, like I mentioned before about speech tags.

Quote:
“That’s because you have used physical force to capture that Pokémon.” growled the guide, having explained this quite a lot of times, “And that’s against the rules.”
Quite a lot doesn't sit well with me; I much prefer quite a few.

Quote:
“But couldn’t you make an exception?” pleaded Andrew, “You know how hard it is to find a wild Chansey.”
Period after Andrew, not a comma. The sentence isn't continued on after the speech tag. Instead, Andrew starts a new sentence, so you use a comma.

Quote:
“I couldn’t reach Bill, but Professor Oak said that the Pokémon Storage system was left… “Unhandled”.” said his wife.
Unhandled? He wondered. How?
This makes it sound like Andrew and his family are the exclusive users of the PC system. You want to use single quotations (like 'this') when you're quoting something within dialogue as it prevents anything from getting clutter-y. And I think his wife would have wanted to talk with the police first rather than Bill, even though Bill is clearly the logical answer. It's instinctual and theft goes to police.

Onto Chapter Two:

Quote originally posted by C_r_e_a_m_p_u_f_f:
It was back to a classic Infernape versus Gallade fight, though Infernape wasn’t feeling too good a while back.
The Pokemon choice made it seem like the league was in Sinnoh rather than Unova. Also, you feel well, not good. And 'too good a while back' sounds a bit weird in context with a battle. Perhaps 'Infernape was exhausted' is a better description?

Quote originally posted by C_r_e_a_m_p_u_f_f:
Come on Infernape, just a little more… thought Warner as he hoped his Infernape would win it for him.
It's better if you italicize thoughts, because it distinguishes it. The second bolded bit sounds extremely odd. Pokemon battling isn't only the Pokemon; Warner still has to command his Infernape.

Quote originally posted by C_r_e_a_m_p_u_f_f:
“Well, I guess you’re pretty much beat, eh?” remarked his opponent.
“Dream on, wiseguy.” retorted Warner.
“Gallade, close in!” ordered the opponent.
Formatting here - you need spaces between the dialogue paragraphs. And this is further proof of the fact that you avoid 'said' like the plague and prefer to use more obscure terms, which will prove to be more detrimental rather than helpful.

Anyway, to put it bluntly, I thought the battle was poorly described. It was nearly a series of actions mixed in with few thoughts from Warner. Infernape's wounded foot is apparently its Achille's Heel (and not speaking literally but metaphorically) because its foot will be injured and cause it to somehow faint? Not gonna work. It's only a foot. If your foot gets shot, will you die? Unless you manage to bleed to death, no, you won't. So Infernape wouldn't, and shouldn't, be that vulnerable when its foot is injured. Instead, it would show that its battling prowess is stinted because of its injury. Like, say, that Infernape can't jump around or run or move as fast as it could without an injury. But trying to injure a foot even more won't do a darn thing.

I thought your battle asked for a lot more description. It was mainly a series of commands and attacks into a jumble of paragraphs that didn't strike me as visual at all, when you should have emphasized the battle. You say that the battle is the Championship, yet there are next to no emotions dedicated to explaining Warner's feelings about it. There wasn't much tension in the scenes. The battle almost became predictable, and you don't want readers to be able to predict what's going on. There should have been more thoughts about Warner and how he felt about the battle. The battle screamed for more descriptions, and that doesn't mean describe all the attacks into detail but rather describe the movements of the Pokemon and how they acted towards each other. Bring life out of the scene. Give it imagery. How does the battlefield feel? Is it a dry, dusty field so that whenever Infernape and Gallade exchange blows, dirt is thrown into the air that made a dry mist hang over? See, you have to tell the readers what's going on. Descriptions are vital for Pokemon battles. And remember that Pokemon battles are what practically drive the Pokemon world. I think the scene needs more impact as well, so I'll leave it to you as to how you'll come up with a way to make it more emotional so that readers can connect to the characters, specifically Warner.

And no, don't brush this off as 'It's just the way I depict battles.' I'll be honest here: it's not doing you any good if you think you won't improve or don't make the effort to.

Quote originally posted by C_r_e_a_m_p_u_f_f:
Gallade got up. He looked very beaten up. Suddenly, his body turned red and shot out flame.
This is what I mean when I'm talking about better descriptions. Beaten up is a vague choice of words. It would be better to say how Gallade's body was bruised or burned from Infernape's flames.

Quote originally posted by C_r_e_a_m_p_u_f_f:
“Infernape, Flare Blitz!” ordered Warner.
“Gallade, Giga Impact!” ordered his opponent.
You should change the speech tags.

Quote originally posted by C_r_e_a_m_p_u_f_f:
They both closed in with their moves. Suddenly the whole stadium got covered with smoke, and when the fog lifted, Infernape and Gallade lay right next to each other on the ground. The crowd grew silent.
Again, descriptions here. The scene should be built up. The attacks suddenly happened, but it wasn't gradually built up. There wasn't any feel within it. Try to breathe feeling into battles.

Quote originally posted by C_r_e_a_m_p_u_f_f:
“Who will get up first? Who? The end of this year’s Pokémon League is near, friends!” exclaimed the announcer.
Friends sounds strange coming from an announcer.

And going on about Chapter One...

I found Schwiz to be the most interesting character out of this story so far. I like his ambition that he has to hide around his boss to keep his position. He's a smart mind, and I admire that. However, I did find that how he acted around his boss was way too out of character for him. Of course, you could describe that as his character, but the way you expressed his thoughts made me believe that he wasn't easily intimidated by his boss. I thought he would be a bit more comfortable. Schwiz seems to be the type of fellow who would be calm and collected, slowly biding his time to become the new leader of Team Marsh. It sounded so odd for Schwiz as an obedient 'advisor' to the leader, because he sounded so much more confident. He had that spark in his mind that looked like he was a stronger-willed than how you portrayed. I found him much too willing. In addition, I found Schwiz's habit of saying 'Boss' all the time to be thoroughly annoying.

[FONT="Calibri"]Firstly, it was the furthest away he could go from Kanto without losing strong and reliable signal.[/quote]
Firstly sounds wrong to me; try 'First.' The same goes with 'secondly' that you use later on. Make that 'second.'

Quote originally posted by C_r_e_a_m_p_u_f_f:
Of course, Hoenn would too be searching eventually, but there are not many technical experts other than that blasted Devon Corporation.
Are is a present tense verb while the story is told in the past tense. Use 'were.' Keep the verb tense consistent.

Quote originally posted by C_r_e_a_m_p_u_f_f:
Schwiz was wearing a wet black shirt and pants. He was wearing sunglasses due to the sunlight, and was sitting in
Looks like you're missing words at the end of this sentence. Also, clothing is negligent information.

Overall, I did enjoy this story, but it could have been a lot better. There are a few habits you have that can be easily broken, such as using said more often while putting in more descriptions. Don't describe what clothes look like, because no one actually cares. Harsh, I know, but that's exactly how the reader's mind works. I also highly suggest that you proofread more thoroughly for some grammatical mistakes as well as diction. If you want any help with that, there's the Beta Lounge always available where you can find yourself a Beta Reader, who should be able to help you with any of your literary problems.

If anything, I hope I didn't sound insulting and I hope I didn't discourage you from writing. It's a fine story idea; I do truly like it, but I believe that you could refine your story. So, do me a favor and polish your story until it's a sparkling gem. If you have any questions or concerns, whether it pertains to my review or not, feel free to ask me. I'll keep an eye on your story to see how it progresses.
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