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September 22nd, 2012, 02:01 AM
Join Date: Apr 2011
Hello Cutlerine! First, Id like to say that I quite like this story. Its interesting to see a different perspective on hacking in Pokemon games, and it is also quite enjoyable.
I really like Gwyn. He is a professional bad@$$ and pretty good at it too. However, I cant help but notice the similarities between his situation and the situation in White Collar. Both have a reformed criminal working for those who hunted him when he was a criminal, using his time as a law breaker to help the law enforcement. Its still a pretty cool premise and Gwyn does his job well.
I cant help but feel suspicious of Blaine. Just reading about him set off some warning bells in my mind. He just seems wrong to me. And I know it might be ridiculous to think that a person would go out of their way to steal something they created but seriously who else but Blaine and Gwyn have the biological and genetic intelligence to create the scratch that broke into the lab? And also, it would make sense for Blaine to want to steal the embryo. Whatever it is, its important. If Blaine stole it, he could first have someone else pay to produce it, then steal it and sell it for a high price. Its twisted, but very possible. Oh great; second chapter and Im already being a conspiracy theorist.
As these are really the biggest thoughts I had while reading, I think I will wrap this up now. Oh! One more thing. As I was reading this line stuck out to me:
Originally Posted by
I couldn't keep the disbelief out of my voice. It was strange enough that someone had actually got into the Gym,
It should be "it was strange enough that someone had actually GOTTEN into the Gym." There was one other situation where you used "this" where it should have been "these." Apart from those two minor mistakes, your grammar was superb. I look forward for the next chapter!
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