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Now, please remember that this is COMPLETELY UNEDITED and wrote quite a few months ago. So yes, it does improve.
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Please don't do this. You're pretty much saying that you're not giving us your best work and you know it. It's going to be difficult for anyone to review this because if they give you advice on how to improve what they currently see (this short 100% unedited part), then you might have already improved to that point (and beyond) so they just wasted their time.
You have an edited prologue on Pokefarm. Why not post that here and see what we think. You've decided to rewrite this story, so why not rewrite the prologue and maybe the first chapter, post those here, and we'll give you advice on that.