[SWC] The Promise I made to You
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October 19th, 2012 (01:57 PM).
It's "I Come Anon"
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Northern Virginia
Okay, sorry I'm late, and extra sorry that I'm going to have to be brief; my workload fortunately held off on spiking until after judging was over, but it has definitely spiked. Anyway, on to your entry:
I thought this was a very solid, enjoyable read, particularly in regard to atmosphere and a commendably appropriate use of subtlety. You do a good job of evoking a somber, cold construction site; the reader can really feel the impact the road is having on the forest and on the narrator. I also liked how the reader isn't beat over the head with the whole Celebi aspect and the inner workings of the drama between the two main characters, rather you leave more room for the reader to make connections and use their imagination.
Not sure exactly how to phrase this, but I found that these two elements complemented each other uncommonly well. It's like how if your story had been all subtlety/mystery and no atmosphere it would have been too dry a read, and if it had been all atmosphere but no mystery it would have been too shallow, but since you got both elements down it's enjoyable to read but also keeps you thinking about what you're reading.
One more thing:
“Take a look at that,” I say, pointing at the shrine, “Do you think we could knock it down?” It pains me to say it this way, but I know that is the only way you would ever approach it.
Really liked this bit. I love how it can be interpreted as either "can we physically knock it down," "can we morally knock it down," or both at once.
You mentioned scoring in your VM, so I feel some justification is called for. I reserve the tenth point for when a particular category seriously knocks my socks off relative to the other entries (or when it takes me tremendous effort to find any spelling/grammatical errors). On another year when Jax's entry wasn't in the mix, I might have given you a 10 for relevance instead of a 9. The secret was interesting and very well integrated into the narrative, and I have no complaints in that regard. I was
close to giving you a 9 instead of an 8 for plot/characters/description, but I thought the description could get a little overwrought in places. (For instance, like Cutlerine, I found the word "nary" was kind of a red flag. Reminded me of the one time I used "nigh" in a contest without irony. -_-) If I had to judge again today, I might give you a 9 anyway because the climax of the story has grown on me since I first read it, but eh. I'm out of time.
My verdict: Visceral and intriguing. Very good, and a solid second place.
My chapter fics:
Kanto: The Disputed Frontier
- 14 chapters, indefinite hiatus.
Gary Stu's Unpredictable Adventure
- 8 chapters, completed.
- 7 chapters, ongoing
There's Always Tomorrow
A Matter of Stubbornness
Left by the Roadside
(SWC 2011 1st place),
Giovanni Destroys the World and Everything in It
By What Right?
(SWC 2013 1st place),
Back in the Day
(SWC 2014 1st place)
Family (kind of?):
Strange person who calls me strange names
If the pen is mightier than the sword, the keyboard is mightier than the ICBM.
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