Thread: [Pokémon] Lost in a Dismal Flame
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Old October 25th, 2012, 08:21 PM
psyanic's Avatar
psyanic
There's Something About Lamps
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
Gender: Female
Nature: Bold
Woo-hoo review! I'm quite pleased that you liked it, especially when I consider that I just bombed an English paper today.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maced View Post
"After that, a sudden feeling of calmness engulfed me." It sounds more appropraite with the usage of the abstract nouns "feeling" and" calmness" it adds description. It's a bit difficult to put in words, it completes the sentence in a way. It gives "calm" much more quality in my opinion and it just sounds better to me overall. Although, the orginial sentence sounds great as well.
Hmm, I get where you're coming from, but I don't think it really needs that much of a change. I actually like the line as it is at the moment, although I do understand why you would think that way. At the moment, I'm not particularly propelled to change it. I sort of liked the brevity of the statement before, as it does reflect off how fast the Timburr was captured. Eh. It's too ambiguous really.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maced View Post
Here are two examples of overusing commas. I don't believe you need to place a comma after evolve because a comma makes a person pause. And when you pause the flow of the reading gets disturbed. Same thing with after while. Then again, using the conjunction though feels irrelevant since you already implyied that strenght comes with evolution.
Both of the examples you quoted are just force of habit, I suppose. They're hard to break after a while. I've somehow adopted the habit of adding commas before though and too for whatever reason. However, I felt that the 'though' was a bit necessary, not because of the fact that evolution gives strength, but for the testament of time. Alder (or 'the trainer' if you prefer him anonymous) emphasizes strength within a short period of time. I know that the commas cause a pause, which is probably why I use them so often, but if I think about it they'd just cause weird, awkward pauses while I try to emulate a human conversation. Not so good.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maced View Post
Though, it would have been slightly better if not best to have made Timburr his first pokemon.
Yeah, I don't know why I didn't make it his first. In hindsight, it would follow along canon and I suppose it would make the story flow a bit better. There's no reason not to, so I wonder why I didn't come up with this at the time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Maced View Post
Aside from that I think you should have polished it before you posted it. Remember people like reading your best work, not anything lower than best quality the author has to offer. It makes you appear lazy. Hey aren't we all? Ha! Since you did post this somewhere you did have a chance to fix it up a bit. It does feel it needs a few tweeks here and there. Especially with that comma thing. Yeah, I understand, we're all busy people.
I guess I could argue that I quickly proofread it, but there was that ominous deadline hanging over my head, so I did rush through it a bit too quickly. (I got irritated when the deadline was extended after I submitted my entry.) I have no excuses haha. Although school has caught up with me, so I rarely get the time to sit down and actually read over my work, or write for that matter. And so I decided to just post this out there rather than letting it sit on my computer for another four weeks. Granted, I'll probably get around to formally editing it this weekend, since it's close to the end of the quarter, so I'll have plenty of time to do more tweaking.

Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed reading it! It pleases me to no end to find that people like what I'm writing, especially in the form of a review.
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