Thread: [Pokémon] Marowak: The Avenger
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Old November 4th, 2012 (06:44 AM).
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psyanic psyanic is offline
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: The USA
Age: 18
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Ah, I haven't posted a review in a while. Might as well try my hand at this then. I have a few nitpicks before I start going into the story itself:

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
At Ilex Forest, frigid winds travel across the silent, tropical area as it pushed leaves and grass lightly.
'In' instead of 'at' just sounds better to me. Ilex Forest isn't really tropical either. It's in Johto, which has a temperate climate, while Hoenn would be the region with the tropical climate. Another major issue arises from here and that's the fact that you aren't very consistent with your verb tense. You used 'travel' and 'pushed' in the same sentence. They are clearly in different tenses (one being in present, the latter in the past). It's quirky when you do this and reads funny, and it gets confusing when the verbs mix into each other. Keep the same verb tense throughout the whole story and stick with it.

'It' is improper pronoun usage, as the preceding noun 'winds' is plural and not singular. 'It' should be 'they.'

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
Except one that’s in the center of the forest with no trees surrounding her.

This one is a Marowak.
I've always found this to be a pet peeve of mine when you don't introduce the name initially and beat around the bush to say, at last, 'This is [insert name.' Just start with the character instead of saying everything but their name. In this case, it would be 'Except a Marowak that's in the center of the forest . . .'

And why is a Marowak in Ilex Forest anyway? They're typically in rocky, mountainous habitats that include caves. It could have been Rock Tunnel, which is where Cubone are commonly found.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
She is gathering various leaves and bark to protect her young so they can hatch. One egg shakes vigorously, and a small hole allows the young to glance on what's going on.
By protect I hope you mean incubate. Also, it doesn't make sense for a hole to be in the egg if the Pokemon inside isn't hatching. If there's a hole that means it would be hatching. It would not stop halfway and just sit in there. I mean, it's shaking vigorously, so that would imply it's hatching.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
The mother went back to the forest, she used her bone and sliced the leaves way up on the tree, and she quickly grasped them in keen sight and walked at a slow pace, until she banged at an enormous, metallic, white hard object that's blocking her view.
The first bolded doesn't make too much sense to me since you already said she's in the forest. Maybe you meant back to the trees. And the first bolded is followed by a comma splice. The comma after 'forest' should be removed and replaced with a period.

'In keen sight' doesn't make sense here. Take it out.

The last bolded is a bit funky. At first I thought she ran into a car of some sorts, but that would be kinda stupid if it's blocking her view, which implies that she saw it. 'Banged' sounds weird too - 'ran into' sounds better.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
It turned around with it's intense demeanor.
'It's' is the conjunction for 'it is.' The possessive form is 'its.' This also borders along show-don't-tell territory, because you say intense demeanor rather than actually describing it. It sort of loses the tone, and I can't really see the how the Aggron would look. It doesn't appear all that angry. You should actually try to describe how the Aggron reacted or how angry it looked rather than just saying so.

Also, Aggron aren't native to Johto, so the Pokemon choice is weird as well as the fact that Aggron aren't even native in forests.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
Then it released a harsh, monstrous bellow towards her overwhelmed face that's pushing her body harshly.
As it is now, her face is pushing her body.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
Its menacing blue eyes gave an intimidation to the Marowak as she moves back, astonished as she's just glancing at this just now.
Weird wording here.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
Even his steel hard armor shines and that there is no single tear on it. He's even bigger than an Emboar.
This is also a weird comparison. I don't see how a Marowak could compare an Aggron to an Emboar if she hasn't seen an Emboar before.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
The mother was astonished as she shivers with constant grief punching her inside her heart.
You already said she's astonished, but the constant grief makes no sense because there isn't anything to grieve about at the moment.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
She flees as the Aggron took its attention to her, until they were at the center of the forest.
'Took its attention' is funny to say. You could have easily said 'followed her' instead. And it's sort of stupid on the Marowak's part if she lead the Aggron to the center where her eggs are. If they battle there, there's a high possibility that the eggs might break.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
The baby went close to the shattered holes to glance what is going on.
Pokemon don't have unlimited room inside an egg. They're pretty crammed in there, so when they're old enough, they can easily crack it. Once again, it's weird to have a hole. That would mean fluids spill out and everything.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
The furious Aggron tried using Head Smash as it rams towards her at a fast pace. But the Marowak quickly used her bone to shield the collision. When it collided, the bone endured the hit.
You just used 'collision' so don't use 'collided' right after it. Mix up your diction.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
Then Aggron used Hammer Arm as he placed his hand up, bouncing the bright sun that was irritating it.
What sun?

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
She protected her herself by using in over her head, the bone snapped into two!
'In over her head'? And by bone I hope you mean 'skull.'

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
The baby was shocked on what he's just seeing from this horrible movie. The mother has no other bones to use. Then the enormous Aggron picked her up and slammed her hard to the ground.
There are other bones the Marowak could use (why bones of all things?), such as her ribcage, toes, fingers, spine, etc. What I don't get is why isn't the Marowak fighting back. It just sort of takes these hits, and Aggron aren't that fast. She should have plenty of time to counter.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
She tried getting up as she shivers, feeling sick to her stomach, then he harshly stomped his foot on her.
'Feeling sick to her stomach' is not a good description for when she's in intense pain. She cracked her skull.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
He squished her with such great force as blood rushes out of her back while she cries for help.
Why her back? If that's being squished, the blood would flow away from that point and go out her mouth or... the other end. That's what I think, anyway, but it definitely not be through her back.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
Aggron threw her carcass to the trees, and went away when he's done from his settled business.
So I've been wondering why the Aggron even bothered killing her. Even in the wild Pokemon doesn't usually kill each other in battles, as many of the times when a Pokemon faints they'd leave the fallen alone.

Also, the battle wasn't really described particularly well. A lot of things just happened, which meant that you listed a lot of attacks. There wasn't much description or imagery. You should try adding in some thoughts or imagery to make the battle seem more interesting.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
The baby rushed out of his egg and ran towards his mom.
No, this isn't how eggs work.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
But he sees her DEAD.
Why is dead capitalized?

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
He never even got the chance to play with her, or try to get to know her.
Babies don't really think this way.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
Where is his father? He died too from a Charizard after that same incident.
You didn't need to mention this. The bolded implies that the father just died.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
She has scars all over her body as blood came out of them like a river current.
Scars? They wouldn't form after the tissue heals. You mean cuts, scrapes, bruises, and gashes.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
Her eyes are wide open with her pupils having a blank stare with red crackles created.
Awkward wording again.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
He cries on her empty shell of a body for painful days days, until he turned around and saw his brothers and sisters have hatched out of their dormant state of development.
Why did you repeat days?

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
They have no one to take care of except that the oldest relative.
You're missing a 'them' after 'of.'

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
He hid the mother's carcass out of keen sight, and tried making sure that his younger siblings are OK.
Why keen sight? And why OK? Use 'okay.'

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
A few weeks later, when he was training by using Bone Club on a boulder, he heard n human noises.
There's a random 'n' here.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
He leaped into a bush, and took a glimpse of a red haired boy with a yellow shirt, gray goggles on his sleek hair, blue jeans, and brown gloves.
Why are you describing the trainer? You don't need to. All that's important is that there's a trainer around.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
The boy commanded as he tries to walk cautiously for it.
What is 'it'?

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
"Quil Cynda." Quil put his head down and tried picking their scent.
Cyndaquil aren't based off bloodhounds, and they aren't hunter animals, so they wouldn't have that good of a nose to find Pokemon. Besides, it hasn't even smelled a Cubone before, so it wouldn't know what it's sniffing for.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
The boy ran and tried finding the young babies. But since they are hidden, they left.
If they beat the Cubone, why didn't they catch it?

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
It was fast like a Jolteon and that its Flame Wheel attack was really devastating that it can even send the whole forest on fire.
How does the Cubone know all of this? It shouldn't have had that much experience with these sort of things.

Quote originally posted by Volcanix769:
He got over it and went to his mom's carcass.
There's no reasoning for this.

At this point, I think I've reached my limit. There are a lot of things that just don't make sense, and it doesn't seem like you thought all the way through for this. Even more, the wording gets awkward, and some words aren't even particularly necessary, so you should cut down on a few things. Additionally, your constant use of similes with other Pokemon doesn't provide that much of a description, and it's sort of moot once you consider that the Pokemon making the comparisons shouldn't have that much experience with the Pokemon you want to compare. Besides, you should be trying to describe Pokemon yourself. The similes sort of make everything unclear and even more hazy, because they don't show your interpretation of Pokemon at all.

The battles were really short and simply a series of attacks. There isn't much description there either. You should add more imagery and emotions, especially with the Cubone fighting off the Aggron for revenge. Actually, more descriptions or more words dedicated to the emotions would have helped me feel more for this story, but at the moment I feel nothing. It just reads as a revenge story while there is so much more potential.
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