Marowak: The Avenger
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November 4th, 2012, 06:54 AM
Known as the Quilava Guy!
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: NJ in the U.S
Originally Posted by
At this point, I think I've reached my limit. There are a lot of things that just don't make sense, and it doesn't seem like you thought all the way through for this. Even more, the wording gets awkward, and some words aren't even particularly necessary, so you should cut down on a few things. Additionally, your constant use of similes with other Pokemon doesn't provide that much of a description, and it's sort of moot once you consider that the Pokemon making the comparisons shouldn't have that much experience with the Pokemon you want to compare. Besides, you should be trying to describe Pokemon yourself. The similes sort of make everything unclear and even more hazy, because they don't show your interpretation of Pokemon at all.
The battles were really short and simply a series of attacks. There isn't much description there either. You should add more imagery and emotions, especially with the Cubone fighting off the Aggron for revenge. Actually, more descriptions or more words dedicated to the emotions would have helped me feel more for this story, but at the moment I feel nothing. It just reads as a revenge story while there is so much more potential.
You should have known that I wasn't even checking carefully, and it's hard for me to convey it out and YOU should have understood this.
Last edited by Volcanix769; November 4th, 2012 at
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